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Feb 12, 2015
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Would you rather have a noisy neighbor or a nosy neighbor? Chances are, you’re already enduring both. A house is not a home without family in the same way as your friendly barangay is not your typical neighborhood without a host of characters both funny but mostly annoying.

Based on our not-really-scientifically-backed guesstimate, the sad truth is for every sexy girl-next-door are ten bad neighbors. See if you can put a name, face, or lot and block number on these fellas!


1)   THE VOICE OF THE PILIT-NA-PILITS

Because singing in the shower is not enough, these wannabe songsters think anywhere with a Magic Sing is a stage—and the entire neighborhood is their audience, no matter what time of the day. They’re likewise hearing impaired—in general and tone-wise—that the volume is turned up to the max so much so that even the adjacent barangay knows “the end is near” and that lover boy is “25 minutes too late.”

Next time the trumpet fanfare midi sound effect plays, signifying the revelation of the singer’s score, we dare you to scream, “Zero! Zero!”


2)   LOVERS IN THE WIND

Is the wind howling, or is the missus from the other street roaring invectives at her husband again? The sound of plates, picture frames, angel figurines, shoes, and whatever else being thrown across the room confirms that it’s yet another one of the notorious fighting couple’s LQs—lovers’ quarrels. “Walang hiya ka!” cries the wife. “Tumahimik ka! Lalayas ako!” threatens the husband. “Maghiwalay na lang kayo!” you think to yourself. More expletives, more items shattering, and after a few minutes, dead silence.

The next day, you see the couple all lovey-dovey with their hands all over each other, as if no plates were left untossed the day before. All is right in the world again—until the next tiff.


3)   I DON'T PARKING CARE

“Don’t block the driveway” signs in subdivisions exist because of neighbors who don’t comprehend that cars need a small plot of land to drive through when entering or exiting a garage. Many also don’t seem to grasp that even parking in front of their next-door neighbor’s bougainvillas is considered invasion of space. And don’t even get us started on their house guests parking in front of your house without permission.

The next time they reason out that the area in front of your house is free-for-all, try either: 1) sticking a copy of your statement of real property taxes on his windshield, or; 2) leaving an ugly old sofa in front of his house, throwing his argument that it’s a common area to his face.

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4)   ONE MAN'S TRASHCAN IS ANOTHER MAN'S TREASURE

It’s bad enough that you have to drag yourself out of the house to take out the trash. Then with one hand lugging a bag with enough kitchen waste to make a composting enthusiast giddy, your other hand lifts the garbage bin cover only to see it filled with another household’s rubbish. Now you can’t leave your junk outside the trashcan, lest any stray animals turn it into a street-style buffet that you’ll end up having to pick up.

But unless you dig through the unwelcome garbage like an impassioned stalker, you’ll never know which neighbor has been squatting on your trash space. You can always install a CCTV camera outside your house, but it would be more fun to surprise them with a spitting cobra in your garbage can.


5)   FOWL PLAY

It’s 4 a.m. and you’ve got an hour left before your alarm goes off, but you’re wide awake thanks to your friendly neighborhood rooster. Waking up to a tiktilaok becomes clockwork that you often find yourself having nightmares of being trapped in a never-ending episode of Tukaan.

But can you face the wrath of an angry cock?

Image via sabacat13.deviantart.com

Unless you have the balls to fight an angry rooster with metal spurs and has absolutely nothing to lose, just put a pillow on top of your head


6)   PARTY POOPER

There’s just something poetically absurd about stepping on a pile of shit right in front of your house. Clincher: Bantay was being walked on leash when he took a dump in your driveway! We love dogs, but we abhor neighbors who don’t know how to pick up after their pooches.

If you can’t trust someone who shits in his own backyard, then you should have serious misgivings about someone who has his dog do it in someone else’s. You don’t really want us to tell you what the best revenge for these pesky neighbors is, but you probably already know that it involves an arinola, the wee hours of the morning, and running stealthily away.


7)   NIGHT SHIFT BASKETBALL

We’re a basketball loving country, but even Jaworski would frown upon a neighbor playing basketball in a residential area at night. Everyone's either trying to get some rest or squinting at some CCTV footage on Bandila.

But if you're the guilty party here, reality check: Even if you shoot hoops 24 hours straight with no pee breaks in between, you'll never be the next LeBron James. Ever.


8)   THE LEECH

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May kailangan kasi akong i-email,” begs the next-door neighbor. As if slow Internet connection isn’t bad enough, you have to deal with neighbors leeching on your Wi-Fi connection to further reduce it to a crawl. Trust us, if he has to come up to you and ask you for your Wi-Fi password, it means he’s already tried figuring out the password himself for at least an hour—from your dog’s name, to a combination of your birthday and plate number, and to different permutations of the word “pa$$w0rd.”

Poor dude must’ve really had to send that email—because he wasn’t efficient enough to get his work done in the office or is too lazy to drop by Netopia. And yeah, as if he was never going to sneak a peek at his Facebook account up until you switch off your router.


9)   T.M.I.

Saying “Good morning!” back to an overly friendly, too-much-info neighbor is sometimes enough motive for him to babble on, when your “Good morning” was meant to end a conversation that hasn’t even started.

Him: “Good morning!”
You: “Good morning po!” (kicking yourself because you didn’t want to be noticed leaving the house)
Him: “Ang mura na ng gas ngayon, ‘no?”
You: (nods and smiles politely)
Him: “Buti na lang kasi SUV sasakyan ko, magastos sa gas!”
You: (unintelligible forced laughter)
Him: “Hirap nga kasi hatid-sundo si misis sa opisina. Eh ang trapik ngayon, minsan nga gusto ko sabihin na mag-taxi na lang siya!”
You: (random indecipherable sounds while slowly walking away)
Him: “Parang nung isang araw, grabe gapang na sa C5! Muntik pa akong bungguin ng motor!
You: (nowhere to be found)


10)   EXASPERATING ENTREPRENEUR

There’s small talk, and there’s sales talk. More often than not, T.M.I.’s jabber on as segue to selling you anything from leche flan, to tapa, to Kojic Papaya Soap, to Aeropostale overruns, and to glutathione shots, among scores of many other things that money can buy (but you don’t want to).

Nothing wrong with selling, but perhaps you were put off that one time he came knocking on your door, nagpa-kape ka pa sa kanya, and ended up buying that bottle of grapeseed supplements collecting dust in your cupboard. And even after that, if they have to come knocking on your door one too many times in a week like the human incarnation of spam text, instruct the help to say, “Wala siya!” or “Naliligo!” every time. If that still doesn’t work, tell her to just say, “Busy ho! Tumatae!”

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