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Mar 2, 2015
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A study we lazily found online says that students from same-sex schools are better academically compared to those in co-ed institutions. They test better in most subjects and are more developed socially. Is this true? We don’t know! We’re also too lazy to find counter studies.

But this ain’t about that boring, scholarly stuff. This is as simple as basic addition. Since we’re talking about exclusive schools, we listed down the signs you’re from an all-boys school. As much as we want to make a list for all-girls schools as well, we’re not exactly qualified. So yeah, por da boys lang ‘to.

If you’re from Ateneo High School or La Salle Green Hills or Xavier or Marist or Lourdes or Don Bosco—super-duper extremely fine institutions—you’ll easily relate to this one. Not much can be said though if you’re from Norberto Manero’s School of Cannibalism.


10)   YOU FERVENTLY HOPE FOR A HOT FEMALE ADVISER

GIF from Giphy

The first day of class every new school year is crucial. Not because of new classmates but because of your new adviser. Of course, you fervently pray to the high heavens that she’s hot or cute at least. It doesn’t matter if she’s married or not. As long as she’s a looker, you know the rest of the school year wouldn’t be so bad. But if you get a guy for an adviser, you know you’re cursed.  

An attractive adviser makes school feel like the best place in the galaxy. When you’re too lazy to wake up in the morning, you think about her and she gets you excited to go to class. Sometimes, you even have your own flag-raising ceremony in your boxers (you know what we mean). Hooking up with a hot teacher is one of the more popular fantasies of adolescent boys.


9)   DICK AND GAY JOKES ARE PART OF YOUR DAILY VOCABULARY

Like most young boys, you’re a dick. You’re unashamedly obscene. That’s why you know basically every single dick joke known to man. For example, one’s bravery exclusively hinges on whether he’s circumcised or not (“Supot ka!”). If your supply of dick-y diatribes runs out, you just invent new ones, regardless if they’re funny or just plain nasty. Dick jokes in an all-boys school are as unstoppable as Ron Jeremy on his fifth Viagra.

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When you get bored of dick tales, you turn to your second favorite option in shaming your fellow dicks: gay jokes. Sorry, LGBT community, but calling someone gay as an insult is simply part of the all-boys school dynamics. Besides, gay jokes can be downright hilarious, especially when they’re cleverly composed. Let’s quote Paul Rudd’s character on 40-Year-Old Virgin: “You wanna know why I know you’re gay? Because you listen to Coldplay.”


8)   EXPERIMENTING WITH "CHEMISTRY" STARTS EARLY

We’re not talking about the mind-numbing Science subject. We’re talking about alcohol and well, chemicals and substances. You and your classmates grow up having the same curiosities: What does it feel like to be drunk? What do cigarettes taste like? So you gather your friends, shell out some money, and go to a nearby sari-sari store to buy the goods. It’s just more fun to try things for the first time with your buddies (“Ang hindi sumama, supot!”).  

Some try alcohol as early as first-year high school. All it takes is one daring classmate aka The Bad Influence. From bubble gum-flavored lambanog to gin pomelo to beer, you gulp that stuff down. After alcohol come the yosi and other not-so-legal substances. Yes, none of these are good for your body but they’re great for bonding moments. Vomiting with your friends on the sidewalk? Priceless.


7)   YOU CAN'T STOP BLABBERING ABOUT BASKETBALL AND VIDEOGAMES

Boys yak about basketball and videogames the way girls giggle about puppy love and Fifty Shades of Grey. If you don’t know who Stephen Curry is or the meaning of the acronym RPG, you’ll have a difficult time connecting with your schoolmates. Hoops and joysticks are the best instruments to make friends in an all-boys school. Trust us.

Basketball and computer games are perfect topics during those idle minutes in class or during lunch breaks. You talk about the latest trades or Kevin Durant’s latest game-winner. You brag about winning a war in Clash of Clans or being an undefeated champ in Tekken. But when the chitchats turn into a heated debate with one of your mates, you have to walk the talk. You go to the nearest basketball court or computer shop after class and settle who’s better. It’s healthy competition. O, pustahan na!


6)   PRANKS GET PHYSICAL

GIF from Giphy

If you’re from an all-boys school, you don’t just have to be prepared mentally. You also have to be ready physically. Because one way or another, you’ll be a victim of a prank. Usually, it consists of getting a part of your body hurt, typically in Crotch City. From a simple kick to the groin or a wet tissue thrown in your face or a WWE-inspired attack, physical pranks are just one of the things you just have to endure to survive in the all-boys jungle.

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Besides, payback’s a bitch! It’s fun to conceive of plans to get back at your prankster. This is where the creative process comes in, so yeah, pranks are educational. Suck it, stuck-up teacher’s pets! With today’s technology, you can even set up a hidden camera to document your glorious revenge and post a Vine or a video on Facebook. Lintik lang ang walang ganti!       


5)   P.E. IS YOUR FAVORITE SUBJECT

In an all-boys school, it’s rare to find someone who abhors P.E. It’s easily the easiest class! Who fails P.E.? Nothing excites you and your classmates than closing those damn textbooks, being outdoors, and sweating it out. Besides, it’s much comfortable to wear shirts and shorts than those drab khaki pants and polo. P.E. also gives you an opportunity to show off your latest sneakers or basketball kicks, partnered with trendy socks. As the kids like to say today, #SWAG, bro!

Boys quickly doze off during Math class, but when it’s P.E. time, they leap out of their armchairs like they just won a chance to spend a week with Andrea Torres and Max Collins in a private island. P.E. teachers are generally cool and they just let you play unsupervised. An hour of basketball or swimming is all you need to get pumped up and happy that you attended school that day. Limahan na?


4)   CALLING PEOPLE BY THEIR LAST NAME IS NORMAL

Screenshot from FEU Secret Files's Facebook page

For some reason, it’s a bit odd to call someone by his first name in an all-boys school. Or maybe because that’s the way teachers call most students. Surnames are normally more distinctive than first names so it’s easier for recall. But yeah, in an all-boys school, you go by your last name or some variation of it. If you’re not “Tolentino” then you’re “Tole.” “Gutierrez” becomes “Gutz” and “Cruz” becomes, well, it doesn’t change. Even the closest friends call each other by surname.

If you’re unfortunate enough to have an awful-sounding one like “Batongbakal” or “Biglangdighay,” then you just have to suck it up and embrace your schoolmates’ endless ridicule. In most cases, if your last name or its variation still doesn’t cut it, you get christened with a nickname—whether you like it or not—which is actually kind of cooler. It’s like a badge of honor. Right, Buraot King and Boy Boso?

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3)   MEN'S MAGAZINES ARE YOUR FAVORITE READING MATERIALS

Forget Paulo Coehlo or those Precious Hearts Romances pocketbooks (e.g. Mainit na Labi, Malamig na Puso)! If you’re from an all-boys school, you only read one thing from cover to cover: men’s magazines. All you young, amazing perverts should thank FHM for your monthly supply of fantastic reading material. Now go treat us to a steak dinner or to a beer-all-you-can.

It’s true though. When a group of boys is gathered at the back of the classroom and quietly jockeying for position, most likely, they’re flipping through a men’s magazine. They’re expert at hiding it too during class. We’re pretty sure you know the ipit-inside-the-textbook technique. Teachers think that boys have their noses thumbed on the latest lesson. But here’s a clue: They’re not. Instead of mastering algebraic formulas or the Table of Elements, they’re busy ogling at sultry photos of Sam Pinto. Or Freida Pinto if it’s a foreign men’s magazine. At least, nagbabasa.


2)   YOU CONSIDER PORN VIDEOS AS OSCAR-WORTHY

GIF from Giphy

 Aside from men’s magazines, one fool-proof way to gather a crowd in an all-boys school is to show a porn video (“bold” or “X” if you grew up in the '90s). Yes, adult videos are crude and vulgar, but for teenage boys with testosterone as charged up as those cars from Fast and the Furious, they’re part of their, um, development. Porn videos are their Citizen Kane or Oro, Plata, Mata. Minus the astounding cinematography, impressive acting, laudable screenplay, smart dialogue, and... Yeah, we have to stop now.

Let’s not go into details why young boys can’t take their eyes off porn. You already know why. They’re curious about the female anatomy, of course! Plus, it teaches them the value of sharing. A popular porn video will go from one student to another via Bluetooth or flash drives. A few years before, floppy disks and CDs were the choice. Tarzan X or La Blue Girl, anyone?  


1)   YOU'RE AWKWARD AROUND GIRLS

GIF from Giphy

This is a no-brainer. When you’re from an all-boy school, you’re typically uncomfortable in the presence of the opposite sex, especially pretty ones. You barely have an idea how to approach girls since you don’t get to interact with them regularly in school. The bravado and confidence you trumpet with your buddies instantly vanish, reducing you to a shy, corny goofball. Imagine the opposite of Leonardo DiCaprio or newest matinee idol, Sen. Chiz Escudero (much respect, sir).

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The awkwardness gets highlighted during rare co-ed events like prom or school fair. A beautiful girl is standing just five meters away from you, waiting to be noticed. Yet you can’t step up your game because you don’t have any to begin with. Luckily for boys today, social media makes everything easier. A short instant message or one Like of her Facebook profile picture, you’re instantly on her radar. No need for cheesy love letters on scented papers!

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