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Jan 20, 2014
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Let’s make one thing clear: You’re too old for this shit.

Should you ever find yourself at a bagets party, you’ll be the kuya in a corner of the room rolling his eyes at all the adolescent canoodling, fist-pumping, selfie-taking, and OMG-ing; or worse, you’ll be the manyak tito eyeing the young girls in their Kardashian-approved bodycon skirts and heckling the lanky, awkward boys who can’t handle a third tequila shot. These kids are ridiculous, you tell yourself. Or are they?

Here’s something to chew on, Mr. Cool: You’re not laughing at those kids, they’re laughing at you. You think differently, speak differently, spend your weekends differently, and are interested in different things. To them, you’re not a beacon of wisdom and maturity—you’re an old-ish person with a beer belly, weird clothes, and dated references who just. Doesn’t. Get. It.

And in the teen universe, not getting it is the ultimate social suicide.

But don’t lose hope just yet. To understand the current bagets culture, you must take to heart these eight simple rules. No, not rules—commandments. And when you’re armed with all the information you need to go head-to-head with even the fiercest Directioner, you won’t be the terribly laos alien none of the popular kids want to hang out with anymore. Now if only you can do something about that beer belly…

1.Thou Shalt Respect The New Alpha Male

He’s no Piolo or Dingdong—no instant tisoy advantage, no superhero guns. To the uninitiated, in fact, he actually looks kind of “k lang”: thin, tan, teenager-y, with Bieber hair, a jabar deathtrap leather jacket, and aviators glued to his head.

But see Daniel Padilla (DanPad or DJ for the true-blue fan or the feeling close) in action and you won’t be able to deny that this kid’s got major swagger. Whatever he’s doing, it’s working: his two studio albums both achieved double platinum success, and his primetime shows have catapulted him and his on-screen partner Kathryn Bernardo to A-list status. He has his fair share of haters, of course, ragging on him for his supposed lack of talent, but his Padilla charisma and the screaming legions of admirers are more than enough to shut them all up.

That, and his classic retort: “Bakit, double platinum ba kayo? Kasi ako, oo.” Well played, sir. Well played.

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2. Thou Shalt Not Toot Your Own Hipster Horn

For all of today’s teens’ unabashed self-promotion, this is where subtlety manages to squeeze itself in: they all want to be hipster, but they’re never going to call themselves one. That’s just tacky. So they patiently accomplish all their hipster duties to the best of their ability and hope and pray that someone waves their magic wand and proclaims them an authentic hipster.

These hipster duties include: making typography, drinking from mason jars, dating girls in flower crowns, riding bikes, wearing moustache shirts and colored skinny jeans un-ironically, attending music festivals, turning vegetarian, and worshipping the poster girl for commercially-friendly quirkiness, Zooey Deschanel. (That last one, you know you can do—even when covered up by those stuffy vintage dresses; the girl’s obviously 
got a nice rack—but good luck with the rest.)

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