The thing with these words and phrases is that they are unbecoming of a real man. Sure they are trendy and catchy and when uttered correctly, they can be funny. Sometimes. But that's a job order for the kids and the hipsters. Shucks, you say? A real man never says that. Not even when drunk.
1. Bongga. Six letters, two syllables that melt the very essence of the masculine spirit.
2. Mocha Frapp. Or just about anyone who goes to Starbucks in general.
3. Shucks, gosh. What the fuck are you, 14?
4. Body Shop. Violent, Singaporean-style caning to be inflicted upon familiarity with the words “White Musk” and “loofah.”
5. Margarita. We're pretty sure you’ll be sipping it with one pinky raised.
6. “I’ll just have a salad.” Hear that? That’s the ghost of Muhammad Ali, Ernest Hemingway, Charles Bronson, Che Guevara, and Humphrey Bogart laughing at your lame little ass.
7. Yogurt. Still hearing it? That’s still them, still laughing at your lame little ass.
8. Watermelon shake. Fuck off.
9. "Bagay sa ‘yo yang ganyang kulay.” Unless you have orange hair and work at the local beauty parlor.
10. “You work out?”— Or maybe you do have a tube of K-Y Jelly in your Hermes Birkin bag.
11. Purse— The only time you should use in a sentence is this: “I slipped the condom into your purse.”
12. Manicure—Unless you’re a big, ugly Manila policeman, wearing a white sando, and a gun tucked beneath your potbelly. Then we’ll leave you alone. Sir.
13. Low-fat, diet—Looking good, manly man.
14. "Nood tayo ng Gossip Girl”—You deserve to have a Blackberry rammed up your ass.
WORDS BY: ALBERT BRONSON BUGATTI
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