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Dec 2, 2015
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What if your head down there also has a mouth? What would it say? Would it make you feel guilty for wearing bacon-briefs? Or would it call them police and press charges because you've, erm, touched him without his consent? Now, you don't have to imagine; because we've performed the imagining for you!

Aside from the obvious "Pasok tayo, pre," here are some things your penis would probably tell you:


1)  "SAWANG SAWA NA AKO SA KAMAY NA 'YAN!"

When your penis might say this: When you haven't had sex for a month or so, and the only thing you can do to fulfill your fantasy is to masturbate to Maria Ozawa.


2)   "PROMISE! WALA AKONG GUSTO SA KAMA MO."

When your penis might say this: When you wake up with a boner and you're wondering why the hell that happens. No, it isn't because your penis is attracted to your bed. The Journal of Sexual Medicine explains that we usually wake up with a hard-on because the brain is actually giving our manoy a little workout while we're asleep, strictly for maintenance, to make sure we stay in tip-top condition.


3)   "ALIN KAYA DITO SA DALAWA 'YON?"

When your penis might say this: During the first time you have sex because, well, it's a rookie. Don't be afraid to ask your woman. That's so much better than pissing her off because you've accidentally attempted to pop her, erm, urethral opening.


4)   "SORRY FOR LETTING YOU DOWN, BRO!"

When your penis might say this: When you're about to get laid, but your junk doesn't want to stand up. Get over your jitters, man.


5)   "P*TA KADIRI! JUST DON'T, MAN!"

When your penis might say this: Whenever you start thinking of...anal sex.


6)   "IPASOK NIYO NA LANG. ANG SAKIT SAKIT NA!"

When your penis might say this: When you're dry humping. It feels like murder for your penis. Imagine rubbing your finger against concrete blocks for a prolonged period of time. It can cause some serious rug burn.  


7)   "WALA NA AKONG MAKITA."

When your penis might say this: When you don't groom your hair down there. It doesn't need to be bald. A nice trim will suffice.  


8)   "HUWAG MO AKONG PIGILAN!"

When your penis might say this: When you're wearing a condom.


9)   "WHERE ARE YOU? ANG TAGAL NA KITANG HINDI NAKIKITA"

When your penis might say this: When you've gained so much weight that you can't even see your penis when you pee. Lose some weight!

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10)   "GIVE ME A BREAK"

When your penis might say this: When you're having too much sex. Bro, give your tool a break. The penis isn't immortal, and it can experience overexertion, which results in less-than-superb performance. Translation: Your woman also won't get satisfied. Do you want that?

Now, reread our article on what her vagina would probably tell you if it could talk to you.

GIFs via Giphy.com

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