ILLUSTRATIONS BY MIKI AQUINO
With his undying desire for wealth and power, Mr. Burns symbolizes stereotypes of corporate America. Though frail and weak (he once attempted to squash an ant, with the latter throwing him off), he makes up for it with his cruel, greedy, and selfish tactics to get whatever he wants. A straight-up bastard, Monty Burns was once a Nazi sympathizer and even has a 19th century woodcut of him terrorizing children
1) Mr. Burns Makes Tuxedos out of Puppies
When the Simpsons’ family dog Santa’s Little Helper bags a girlfriend and becomes the father of 25 adorable puppies, Mr. Burns (the heartless bastards that he is) steals the 25 greyhound pups for one dastardly plan: to kill the puppies and make a tuxedo out of them (as what he did to all his other animals). With ice pumping through his veins, Mr. Burns has absolutely no problem with it, breaking into a big broadway number telling you to see his vest that’s made from real gorilla chest. Or his loafers that were former gophers. Or his white slippers that were former albino African endangered rhino. Click here for the video.
2) Mr. Burns Hits Bart With His Car, Burns is still a Dick
While Bart is skateboarding down the street, he is hit by a car driven by Mr. Burns. Offering $100 to Homer, Homer turns it down and instead hires an ambulance-chasing lawyer Lionel Hutz (voiced by Phil Hartman) to bring out an outrageous lawsuit. In classic Burns form, he yells “I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!" to a shocked courtroom audience.†
3) Mr. Burns Attempts to Block the Sun and Steal a Lollipop from a Baby
In the classic episode “Who Shot Mr. Burns,” Montgomery Burns finds out that there’s a tremendous amount of oil beneath Springfield Elementary and† decides that he must have it (classic Mr. Burns). As Burns taps into the oil, he causes a ton of harm and hassle to Springfield citizens, with Moe’s Tavern being closed due to high fumes (leaving loveable drunk Barney Gumble pissed off), the drilling operation destroys the Springfield Retirement Castle, and Bart’s treehouse is annihilated due to a burst of oil while also injuring Santa’s Little Helper.
His most vile plan of all? He plans to construct a giant movable disc to block out the sun, leaving everyone in Springfield dependent on the electricity supplied by his nuclear power plant. Activating the device, he acts invincible, the bastard proud of what he did. He sees Maggie in a car with lollipop in hand and also decides he wants said lollipop (Why? Because he’s Mr. Burns like that). A brief struggle between Burns and Maggie ensues, and Burns’ gun slips off its holster and into Maggie’s hands. The gun accidentally fires, wounding the old man. The shooting was widely considered an accident, but Maggie knows that Burns had it coming.
4) Mr. Burns Wants his teddy bear back
This episode reveals that Mr. Burns was once a kind and happy child who cherished his beloved teddy bear Bobo, before dropping it in the snow and living with twisted and loveless billionaire. When Homer finds out Maggie’s teddy is Bobo, he rejects Burns’ offer of $1 million and lets Maggie keeps it. Mr. Burns wants his Bobo back, and swears to make Homer’s life miserable, even going so far as to try and wrestle the bear from Maggie’s hands.
Mr. Burns is high on ether; is still a dick
High on ether, Burns seems to be in good spirits, hallucinating Homer Simpson as the Pillsbury Dough Boy and grants Homer’s requests. When Moleman comes in to request for a new broom, Mr. Burns sees him as a leprechaun, grabs an electric drill and proceeds to drill hole through Moleman’s skull, hopefully to get the latter’s lucky charms.
NEXT PAGE: And finally, Homer's D'oh moments!