ILLUSTRATIONS BY MIKI AQUINO
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
"Beer: The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems."
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"
"I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming."
"If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing."
"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."
"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.
Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them."
"I can't believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off!"
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!"
Bonus: Heard around Springfield!
1) Rainier Wolfcastle (The Simpson’s Arnold Schwarzenegger parody) impersonates Woody Allen: “Now, my Woody Allen impression: I’m a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.”
2) Homer Simpson: "What’s a gym?"
3) Comic Book Guy: "There’s no emoticon for what I’m feeling!"
4) Bearded retirement home homie, Jasper Beardly: "Talking out of turn…that’s a paddling. Looking out the window…that’s a paddling. Staring at my sandals…that’s a paddling. Paddling the school canoe…ooh, you better believe that’s a paddling.
5) Jasper sings “lollipop”