WORDS BY: GELO GONZALES
IMAGE FROM "COFFEE AND CIGARETTES" (2003, UNITED ARTISTS)
February 26, 2010 | 2900 views
The I’m-only-here-for-the-Wi-fi-access dude
Distinguishing marks: Has a laptop
Some coffee shops charge extra for wi-fi access. Some don’t, and that’s where you’ll find this next guy on our list. Unlike the yosi dude, Mr. wi-fi guy here isn’t actually as big of a parasite, because at least he does make it a point to order something.
You should have guessed by know, but in case you don’t, here’s a tip: That cup of coffee isn’t exactly what he’s really for. He just wants some free facebook time.
First, the guy proceeds to look for available seats, and if it’s his first time at this particular coffee shop, he’ll go ask the guard or some clerk if the wi-fi is indeed free.
If the answer is favorable, he proceeds to look at the menu, as if he’s going to order a lot. But he doesn’t. He will order one of the least expensive items of the bunch.
He takes that drink to his table, opens up his laptop, plops down, and proceeds to accomplish his mission. He sips the drink from time to time, but a couple hours would have passed before he actually finishes it, at which point his Facebook needs have been fulfilled.
The “study” group
Distinguishing marks: Groups of 3 to 5 college-looking individuals. Appears to read school books and a couple other readings.
A coffee shop’s cool, calming ambience can be very conducive to study, which is why it tends to attract study groups by the dozens. Additionally, coffee is a stimulant, which is another great reason why study groups frequent these coffee shops; reading through copious amounts of theology articles could send you to sleep after all.
For 30 minutes or so, the study group looks focused, with their eyes totally fixed on the thing they’re reading. The big test is tomorrow already, and no one seems intent on talking to one another.
Until of course, the study group gets bored. The coffee kicks in, gives them a jolt of energy, and tells their brains that it is better to use that energy for chit-chat. Reading? Studying? Pfft.
That’s when the “study” group becomes just a normal group of people who think they’ve got nothing better to do than chat. Ironically, they contribute to making the coffee shop a less inviting place for studying.
The pseudo coffee connoisseur
Distinguishing marks: Has a snooty look in his eyes. Probably wears glasses.
Unlike everyone else in this list, this guy comes to the coffee shop because of the coffee itself. He loves his coffee, and he likes to think he knows his coffee. But like most everyone else, the pseudo coffee connoisseur probably began life ordering some good ol' mocha frappe.
And then everyone else started ordering the same thing, which was when he felt that the mocha frappe was just a lil bit too trendy for his tastes. That's when things got serious.
Because from that point onwards, he only ordered the classic coffee brews, not enhanced by no fancy whip creams or whatnot. And from that point onwards, he began acting like a douchey wine expert, looking down on everyone else who were not drinking what he was drinking.
