Christmas is just around the corner folks, and just like all of you holiday-hungry hogs, we here at FHM HQ are ready to spread and receive that good old Christmas cheer.
Just like St. Nick, each and every one of us should be an ambassador of goodwill by being kind and generous to our fellowmen. As the poster-boy of this season of cured hams and Kris Kringles, the jolly bearded man in red embodies what Christmas is all about, meaning post-holiday paunch and a lot of ho, ho, hos.
So in honor of the Christmas spirit, we’ve prepared a short list of naughty and nice movie Santas (or men in Santa suits at least) you should or shouldn’t take your cue from. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, FHM Nation!
1) Rudy Duncan, Reindeer Games
The actor: Ben Affleck
Back in the day, before directing Argo and The Town, Ben Affleck was known for starring in some of the worst movies imaginable. In the critically and commercially lambasted Reindeer Games, Affleck plays Rudy Duncan, a convict that takes on the identity of his former cellmate when he gets the chance to escape. Seems like a smart move, but not if people are out for your head. Aside from the cheesy acting and convoluted storyline, there’s a lot of Affleck in a Santa suit, shooting guns and evading the law. The only saving grace to fill your Christmas stocking comes in the form of a svelte and sexy Charlize Theron. Ho, ho, ho is right.
Quote him: “I had better sex in prison.”
2) Scott Calvin, The Santa Clause
The actor: Tim Allen
When ordinary joe Scott Calvin accidentally causes jolly old St. Nick to crash and fall from his roof, the fat man dies. In a sort of sick and twisted punishment, Calvin quickly puts on weight, grows a white beard, and morphs into the new Santa Clause. Who knew that killing Father Christmas would come with the unbearable responsibility of delivering gifts to children all around the world in just one night…and this is supposed to be a family film.
Quote him: “Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.”
3) Willie T. Stokes, Bad Santa
The actor: Billy Bob Thornton
Willie Stokes is a sleazy mall Santa who, come Christmas Eve, robs his employers of their goods with the help of his lowlife elf. He then goes to Miami on a hedonistic trip of alcohol, drugs, and prostituting, only to return to a new mall the following year for another heist. This children, is the Santa you should never, ever trust. Instead of giving gifts, he’ll rob you of yours without even thinking twice.
Quote him: “Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.”
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