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The Poser's Guide To The 2014 Oscars

Really, except for film nerds and those who vote for these films, who has the time to watch all the Oscar-nominated movies? But of course, you don't want to be left out of your friends' movie talk. Here's a cheat sheet so you can fake your way into becoming a 2014 Oscar movie expert!

Feb 10, 2014
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It’s that time of the year again when all your pseudo-intellectual buddies, your girlfriend’s gal pals, and anyone plugged into the entertainment-sphere starts yapping on about best pictures, best supporting actresses, and which foreign film gave them a hard-on.

Yes, gentlemen: It’s awards season! 

Most awards-night junkies will attest that, the Oscars ceremony, which will be held on March 2, is the pinnacle of the season’s events. And should you find yourself stuck in a situation where you’re bombarded with movie titles, tongue-twisting actor’s names (say it with us: CHOO-ih-tell EDGE-ee-o-for), and quotable dialogue you pretend to understand, it would be nice to be armed with some Oscar-nominee knowledge. So here’s a cheat-sheet for all you Oscar-noobs!

Or better yet, just watch the effing movies! Most are worth your attention anyway. 


AMERICAN HUSTLE

Need a quote? Say this: “We fight and then we fuck, that's our thing.”

Sexiest thing to happen onscreen: Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams sharing saliva in a steamy kissing scene. A slow-clap for director David O. Russell. 

Give a man-pat on the back to: Christian Bale, who plays con artist Irving Rosenfeld, for making every man believe that even when you gain weight and lose some of your hair, you’ll be able to bag chicks as hot as Amy and Jennifer. The man will do anything for an amazing role. 

                                    


Groovy for: That rockin’ ’70s soundtrack. Steely Dan, Chicago, and Todd Rundgren are 
some of the featured artists in the movies score. 

Total number of Oscar nods: 10


WOLF OF WALL STREET

Need a quote? Say this: “Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've 
been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.”

Fox of Wall Street: Margot Robbie, who plays Jordan Belfort’s stone cold fox of a second wife Naomi Lapaglia. She bares her breasts in this LOL-inducing comedy, winning the adoration (and drool-y stares) of men all around the globe. This one’s star is on the rise.

                                   


  
Show some love for: The bromance between Leo D’s Jordan B and Jonah Hill’s Donni Azoff. Both are up for Oscars in the Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor categories respectively. Though Leo is a strong contender, we’re sorry to report that he may lose. Again. That’s what happens when you go against AIDS and slavery. 

F**k off because: Only beaten by a documentary entitled “F•••”, Scorsese’s tale of excess and hedonism, uses the F-word 506 times in 172 minutes (length of the film), at 2.83 uses per minute. That means director Martin Scorsese has two of his films in the Top 10, the other one being the Bobby De Niro-starring Casino.

Total number of Oscar nods:
5

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BLUE JASMINE

Need a quote? Say this: “Anxiety, nightmares and a nervous breakdown, there’s only so 
many traumas a person can withstand until they take to the streets and start screaming.”

Get intoxicated on: Cate Blanchett’s capacity to go unhinged. She’s already won a Best Supporting Actress Oscar for playing actress Katherine Hepburn in Scorsese’s The Aviator. But as Jasmine, the titular woman on the verge of insanity, she swigs vodka like a dirty sailor that you’ll hate, laugh, and pity her character. We’re placing our money on her for Best Actress.

We’re downright crazy for: Sally Hawkins, up for Best Supporting Actress as Jasmine’s poorer but happier adopted sis. What would a Woody Allen feature be without numerous dysfunctional women?

                                  

If only Woody Allen would: Do another sexy thriller a la Match Point, which was also  critically acclaimed, to show us he hasn’t lost his capacity for a stiffy. The neurotic auteur has been nominated 24 times and has won for four (three for Best Original Screenplay for Annie Hall, Hannah and Her Sisters, and Midnight in Paris (2011), and one for Best Director (for Annie Hall). 

Total number of Oscar nods: 3

NEXT: 12 Years A Slave, Dallas Buyers Club, Gravity, and Frozen 


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