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Dec 8, 2011
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Facebook is big, but is just hitting its stride. According to reports, the social networking giant is set to hire thousands of new employees in the coming year. Now at 800 million members, the company is preparing to become a publicly-traded company by next year. [firstpara]

Now, we might not have insider access into the dark corners of the mind of Mark Zuckerberg, but the move is a pretty strong hint that the company is planning to expand, suck more people down its throat, and produce more post-liking, status-updating, comment-whoring zombies such as ourselves. And later, absolute world domination.  

The news also got us thinking: how awesome would it be to work at Facebook?

At most jobs, we always have to be on the lookout for the boss as we stalk that hot chick browse through friends’ profiles. At Facebook, we’re guessing it’s required to have your Facebook page online all day, everyday.

Also, people are saying that the free food at the company's HQ is awesome. Those reasons are good enough for us. Sign us up!

Unfortunately, this isn’t our high school varsity team, where we can just list our names down and hope to get in. They’re looking for engineers, programmers, and a bunch of other guys with fancy university degrees. So what’s the rest of us to do whose only ace is the thousands of hours we’ve invested in learning the art of Facebook-ing? Why, make up imaginary jobs, of course! Here are some jobs at Facebook that we think would be amazingly fun to do, if only they weren’t completely fictional! 

1) Banhammer Operator
A lot of freedom goes around in the four corners of your Facebook page. Say anything, post anything, as long as you’re ready to be judged by your network of friends. There are however a couple of things that Facebook frowns upon—things that lead to your Facebook account getting banned. Some of those things are legit like posting extremely offensive or demeaning images, while some sound like the work of some power-tripping FB employee, like this woman’s case wherein she wasn’t allowed to use the site because her name’s “Beta.” Either way, we’d like to be that dude who decides who to ban just so we could use it to threaten our friends. Imagine the power.


"Yan ser, sabi kamukha mo daw si Carrot Top."

2) Ad Profiler
See those ads lined up right beside your newsfeed? Yup, as you might have observed, the website is now another avenue where products are promoted. Facebook is very aware of its potential as a marketing tool, and has tools for advertisers that allow them to set who will see their ads. Now, wouldn’t it be fun if we could have the actual job of manually “assigning” which ads appear on our friends? That’s like taking the sport of wall rape to a whole new level as we pepper our friends’ feeds with dildo or penis enlargement ads. Yup, we keep it classy around here.  

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Next: Who'd like to be the Whine compiler?


WORDS BY: GELO GONZALES
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