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Aug 5, 2017
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When it comes to dumping people, there are reasons that always elicit sympathetic looks and solemn nods when we share them with others: he was still in love with his ex, she had to move away, there was just no chemistry—bummer, right? And then there are reasons we feel shameful about sharing, because they make us seem petty, or heartless, or like some foolish fool who makes foolish decisions and should never be allowed to date again.

Here, nine men and women recall the worst reasons they broke up with someone—from a guy who disappeared on a girl who didn't know which dipping sauce went with tempura, to a girl who felt guilty for leaving a suicidal boyfriend.

If there’s one thing we learned from them, it’s that if you’ve ever been ghosted or given a lame-ass excuse for being rejected, it’s entirely possible the honest reason is one you never expected. Also, there’s a chance your crotch smells worse than barf.

Joe, 37: “I dumped her because of the way she would sniff her food before eating.”

When we were out at restaurants, I’d notice her sniffing her food before putting a spoonful in her mouth. At first I thought it was kinda cute and I would jokingly chide her to stop it, but she said that’s how she wants her food. The way she would do it, she would sniff elaborately with her nostrils flaring really close to the spoon, and she would wear a funny smirk before she’d devour her food. Since she was pretty, people around us would notice her and what she was doing, and it embarrassed me every time.

When she asked me when I would introduce her to my family, I couldn’t tell her that the reason I couldn’t was because she sniffs her food. I just faded away and changed my number, and she got tired of waiting for me.

I felt guilty after I ended it. Altogether she was a really nice girl, and I heard from friends that she got so hurt when I ended things that she dated a guy friend to make me mad.

Ivanka, 35: “I broke up with a guy because his mouth LITERALLY tasted like barf. And his junk? It smelled (and tasted) worse.”

I had just started dating him, so it wasn’t serious yet. He had movie star good looks, so imagine my surprise when I first encountered his…pheromones. I held back gagging every time we were intimate until I couldn’t take it anymore. Being a certified germophobe, I just gave him some lame excuse that I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I dumped him faster than you can say, "Ang gwapo nga, ang baho naman."

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Do I regret it? Hell, no.

Karlo, 22: “I broke up with a girl because my cousin and I had both slept with her, making us penis cousins—literally.”

We had only been dating for two weeks, but I had known her since high school. My cousin, meanwhile, met her once at a bar and from there, they had a one-night stand and became fuck buddies. It bothered me a lot that she used to be my cousin’s fuck buddy, and it was awkward when I was around both of them, especially at family gatherings. In fact, after one awkward family dinner, we didn’t talk for three days after.

It got to a point where she and I were just waiting to see who would break it off first. I went ahead and told her that things had gotten awkward between us, and she agreed.

To this day, I have no regrets. She hates my music anyway, and I hate hers, too.

Z, 30: “I dumped him because he sent me so many selfies, which made me realize that I didn’t find him that cute.”

It was a month into the relationship and he started sending me sooo many selfies. Like, eight selfies a day, which showed me all the angles of his face. He’d include captions saying he didn’t look cute, but they just sounded like he was fishing for compliments. And it just showed me how I couldn’t be attracted to someone so vain.

Thank God it was a long-distance relationship and I could just be absent and unavailable until he got the idea. I still feel guilty about it, though. It was such a petty thing.

Blue, 23: “I cut things off because he had become suicidal.”

We were in a long-distance relationship for almost six months. It was during our fourth month when I realized I needed to let him go. He had become very aggressive and would get suicidal all of a sudden. He’d even send me pictures of him cutting his wrists. I told him to seek psychiatric help, but he refused. That was when I realized I couldn’t calm his demons and there was no way I could stay in that kind of relationship. On our way to our sixth month, I decided to cut off all the communication lines we had.

At first, I felt guilty about dumping him, but it was for my own good. I had to keep my own sanity. There are times I still think about him and wonder how he’s doing, but I’ve never reached out to him since.

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Jordan, 27: “I dumped a girl for not knowing what the right sauce for tempura was.”

She was a client of mine at work and she had been flirting with me for a month, so we went out. Over lunch at a Japanese resto, nakita kong sinasawsaw niya ‘yung tempura sa...sawsawan ng gyoza. Then she complained bakit daw maasim-asim tempura niya. I didn’t correct her, but in my mind: "GAME OVER." After that lunch date, I began to ignore her.

I didn’t feel any guilt when I dumped her. In fact, I felt glad because at least I wasn’t made to bear the stress of trying to make it work with her.

Betty, 33: “I stopped talking to him because he quoted lyrics by The Script.”

I had gone on my first date with this guy who seemed promising,  though he was not my type at all. I’m typically drawn to brooding, creative types, but I had promised myself to be more open-minded, so I was pleased that our first date had gone well.

We continued to text after that date, and that’s when it happened: He sent me song lyrics by The Script. For all my newfound open-mindedness, I just knew that I couldn’t be with someone who liked The Script. I had obscure musical tastes, and I couldn’t see it working out with a Script fan.

I began to come up with excuses for not being able to see him, until he eventually stopped texting me. I didn’t really regret it; I knew he was better off with someone who wasn’t as big a snob as I was anyway.

Artful Dodger, 40: “I dumped my ex of 10 years because we weren’t having sex.”

That’s the short answer, but really, the breadth of it was the intimacy was gone. After 10 years together, sex (or lack thereof) was relegated to routine, we hardly ever went out on dates, and we didn’t support each other’s endeavors—well, mostly she didn’t because she was always working. We were living together and for all intents and purposes were practically married—but that’s what made it worse. Hindi pa nga kami kasal, we were already settled in without any real intimacy or affection. I tried to reach out several times, even kept pushing her to go to counseling with me, but she never did.

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In the end, I cheated on her and half-meant to let her catch me in a lie (which she did), and we finally broke up because I told her the truth. I pretty much scarred her for life, though, which I deeply regret. Didn’t mean to hurt her that bad, but I really did. She became a Jesus freak after me, and until now, almost a decade later, still hasn’t had a new boyfriend (at least that’s what I hear).

China, 31: “I ghosted him because he had a small dick.”

I was trying to move on from a terrible breakup, which was why I reconnected with a guy I had a thing with years earlier. We started flirting again, and the first time we went out after three years, we didn’t waste any time—we went back to my place and had sex for the first time.

Problem was, his peen was small. While he was on top of me, I just lay there barely feeling anything. All I wanted was for it to end.

After that night, I stopped replying to his texts. I realized I was wrong to find a rebound just to fill the void my ex had left. I also realized not all penises are created equal, and there is no way to find out just how big one is until you’re both actually naked, and by then it would be rude not to do it at all. Oh well.

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