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Sep 1, 2016
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Women: They whine too much. But that's only because they have something to whine about. And when they do, are you supposed to wimp out screaming, "Nag!" while running the other direction, or do you use the situation to your advantage? We say: (and you should, too) take advantage. We'll leave miscarriages and serious family man-issues for later, here's dealing with the little things first. Your lesson in upping prince charming points starts now.


PRE-MENSTRUAL SYNDROME/DYSMENORRHEA

What it is: Biology cleans female pipes by bleeding it three to five days every baby-less month. Menstrual cycles give her mild to excruciating headaches, abdominal pains, cramps, and in few cases, nausea and vomiting. Doctors call the crankiness attached to it pre-menstrual syndrome. This means biting remarks, smaller and fewer body movements, and irritation to everything in general.
Key Hero words: Humor, voluntary slavery, nursing skills
Your cheat sheet: Unlike rabies, PMS is “treatable.” Treat her like a princess for the limited span of her every menstrual cycle and you’ll come out a happy, healthy man—bones unbroken and teeth intact.


MOOD SWINGS

What it is: Largely associated, but not exclusive to PMS. Men have their share of mood shifts, but women's are more frequent, notorious and pronounced. Non period-related moodiness results from estrogen, hormonal imbalance, and a really bad day.
Key Hero words: Sensitivity, cut down on enthusiasm
Your cheat sheet: Keep your ears open and your mouth shut. Don’t let her mini-manic depressive streaks get to you. Where pissed off people are concerned, one is better than two.


HIGH HEEL PAINS

What it is: Podiatrists or foot doctors say the higher the heel, the more pressure goes to the ball of the feet and the more pain women get from its prolonged use. High and narrow heeled stilettos put women's feet in weakened positions. Other bad effects tally to these: back problems, tightness in calf muscles, ankle sprains, bunions, callouses.
Key Hero words: Upper body strength, possession of an automobile, massage skills
Your cheat sheet: Foot rub+Human rickshaw=Modern Jesus. Ask before she receives.


BAD HAIR DAYS

What it is: Psychologists say esteem is all about expectations. Women have low self-esteem because they expect to be one thing but what they actually are fall short of TV and commercial-model bred expectations. Both genders get bad hair days but women are more affected by it, one because they have more hair, and two because they generally put more weight into it. The elements of a bad hair day: It's poofy, it won't straighten out, it's too shiny, it's not shiny enough, the comb doesn't work, it looks like a nest, only birds want nothing to do with it.
Key Hero words: Absence is presence, keep headgears handy
Your cheat sheet: Flattery goes hand in hand with first aid. Tell her she’s pretty, but bring headgear anyway.

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BREAKUPS

What it is: You're together, then you're not together. You already know what happens to you, but what happens to her?
Key Hero words: Patience, good company = good boyfriend material
Your cheat sheet: Offer distractions. Scrap “BF” aspirations. Secure healthy “BFF” relations.


BODY ISSUES

What it is: Expectations vs. reality. Having body issues is a bad hair day kicked full throttle; only it concerns other bigger (or not bigger) body parts. The running monologue: I'm fat. My boobs are too small. I'm not white enough…among other things.
Key Hero words: Flatter with honesty, don't nag
Your cheat sheet: If you have to discuss it, don’t.


CAT FIGHTS

What it is: Two women going at it and bruising each other's ego not (always) in R-rated fashion. The elements of a catfight can be a mixture of verbal: character assassination, scathing back talks, parinigans; and/or physical type maiming: face slaps, hair pulling and loose girl versions of mixed martial arts.
Key Hero words: Give her ego boosts, polish your backstabbing skills
Your cheat sheet: In the interest of self-preservation, consider this useful Spanglish credo: Su enemy, mi enemy.


BFF BRAWL

What it is: Friends are the worst enemies, but a squabble between the faithful type species that is your girl's "Best Friend Forever" and herself is messy and almost as worse as you pissing her off yourself.
Key Hero words: Good listening skills, pucker up, mediate but don't intervene
Your cheat sheet: Few rules of negotiation still applies: A. keep them talking; B. think like a dolphin (the only mammals who can swim with sharks and not end up as chow); C. don’t bargain over positions. And a rule of our own: stay out of it.


ZITS!

What it is: An accumulation of dirt, oil, and sebum that takes on the appearance of miniature active volcanoes growing in the most sensitive parts of your skin, particularly, your face. To you their pimples, to your girl they’re utter humiliation.
Key Hero words: Move plans home, practice indifference
Your cheat sheet: Pimples were never for ogling. Ignorance on your end is bliss on hers. Everybody’s happy.

 

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