Just because you think you are a sex machine, and your partner tells you she is beyond satisfied with your performance, it doesn't always mean it's true.
What's true is that a woman won't tell it straight to your face that you are bad in bed. Dr. Tyler Ong, a psychologist and sex therapist, explains that most women choose to keep mum about matters like this because they have been taught for many generations to be submissive and silent.
He explains: "Women might decide that it's not worth confronting their partners about, especially when it might mean a loss of warmth or intimacy in other areas of their lives."
Dr. Ong adds that women don't tell how they really feel like because they tend to normalize bad sexual experiences, meaning they think their sexual satisfaction is not achievable. "They think it's normal that they don't orgasm, or that men don't have the responsibility to also take care of their sexual needs."
Some women, however, don't want to talk about the issue because of the fear of being judged. The sex expert says: "Most women think it's not socially acceptable to talk about [sexual desires], or that bringing it up may just distance them from their partners."
So, it's up to the man to be more sensitive to the signals that his woman is sending out. But how can you tell when she has drifted into "I couldn't care less about sex" territory?
Patricia, 32 and married for three years now, says an unsatisfied woman usually plays director in the bedroom. She says: "If you hear a constant string of 'No, don't do that, put your hands here,' then it's clear that you don't provide or know your woman's needs." If your partner likes what you're doing, she won't constantly tell you to do something else.
Meanwhile, Diana, 24, says she usually jokes about how unsatisfied she is with the performance, sometimes sharing stories about the amazing sex life of a friend. "I tell him: 'Hindi ako nasarapan,' then I laugh. The problem is he always assumes that I'm satisfied. Whenever I tell him that joke, he tells me: 'Hindi nga? Mukhang super satisfied ka naman eh.'"
"We can always fake those moans," she adds.
Anne, 22, says that another sign she's checked out in the sack is that she "always give excuses why she can't have sex—excuses such as she has a headache or she's already sleepy. This one is so obvious that it should hit guys right in the face but they always miss it." Sure, sometimes women really do have a headache or feel tired, but if it becomes a regular barrier to copulating, maybe it's time to worry.
In case your partner has been showing you these signs, it's best to sit down with her, talk about it, and be open-minded if she decides to confess.
Dr. Ong advises: "The best solution is explicit communication. It's a compromise between confrontation, a more aggressive strategy, and pretending, which ultimately leads to suppression and resentment. It's a structured conversation regarding the situation, each partner's feelings about it, and each partner's request as to what he or she would like to have happen. This is part of a formula called 'I' statement, which a qualified therapist can teach."
There are times though that sexual problems stem from actual sexual disorders present in one or both partners, such as premature ejaculation, or female sexual arousal disorder.
"In such scenarios, please consult with a therapist qualified in sex therapy," Dr. Ong recommends.
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