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Dec 2, 2014
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Is there such a thing like a perfect penis? According to Cosmopolitan readers, women think the ultimate shaft should look like this:Now, if you've ever wondered what the ladies say about your general when you're not around, wonder no more. We corralled five experienced ladies who don't mind talking about all things pototoy related. Below are their revelations!


"WE’RE NOT REALLY SURE ABOUT UNCIRCUMCISED PENISES BECAUSE IT’S NOT LIKE WE’VE HANDLED
A LOT OF THEM"

Chanel: I prefer a dick that’s circumcised! It is physically more appealing, looks bigger, and is also cleaner!  Healthwise, excess foreskin is not good for you. Normal sex can forcibly pull back the foreskin leading to scarring, and worse, Phimosis [problems with retraction]. Also, in genital examinations for penile cancer, the doctor has to retract the foreskin back to check for abnormalities. Would you like that? Didn’t think so.

Nicole: I don’t really know the difference with the appearance but yes, they say that circumcised is cleaner. But for me, as long as I’m passionate with the guy I’m doing it with, that won’t really matter.

Ana: A doctor giving a lecture on sexual health began talking about the circumcised and uncircumcised. She said more than once, (Although I can’t think of why any man would not be circumcised...) or something along those lines. And all I could think about was, for a doctor she had not seen a lot of samples of the human body. Either that or she has not slept with a lot of men. There are certain races, nationalities, and cultures that look at circumcision as mutilation so no, not all men should be circumcised. Some women prefer cut and some prefer uncut. Having said that, girls just need to know how to handle both kinds of penises and how to have fun with each.

Mich: Not a lot of women have even seen an uncircumcised penis, so there really is no point of reference. But I know someone who said giving not-tuli guys a blowjob feels weird, so score one for the tuli ones, I guess?


"IF YOU’VE GOT A MONSTER FOR A COCK, YOU CAN BET THE GALS HAVE BEEN GOSSIPING ABOUT IT"

Mich: Girls stare. We just can’t help it. But we’re better at not being obvious at it than you guys are. It’s not a stare, it’s a quick, appreciative once-over. But only if it’s worth looking at.

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Jacq: If it’s ridiculously bulging then I guess it wouldn’t be accidental if girls happen to look at that part.

Chanel: When it is very obvious then of course mapapa-second look ka talaga, maski totoong lalaki ka pa!

Ana: If a guy has a bulge that cannot be ignored, you can bet the girls have all shared the delicious secret among themselves. Among the things we’ll wonder about is if the guy wears boxers or briefs. If boxers, does it peek out onto the pants leg? If briefs, does it need to be curved ever so slightly to one side so it’ll fit in?

Nicole: If we’re attracted to that bulge we’re checking out, we even imagine how it feels like being on it.


"A GOOD TRIM AND SHAVE IS A GOOD INDICATOR THAT YOU’RE EXPECTING SOME NOOKIE"

Chanel: Trimming gives an illusion of a longer and bigger shaft. Plus it is also a good indicator that the man is really expecting nice things to happen for the night, if you know what I mean.

Mich: Again, if you expect us to be reasonably well-groomed, then we expect the same. Too much manscaping is gross, but taking a pair of scissors to overgrowth is only appropriate. Please don’t shave—the stubbly stage hurts! And it’s true that a well-trimmed area gives the illusion of a larger penis!

Jacq: I think trimming your pubes is better. It looks neat and clean.

Nicole: And it makes it easier to...you know. Ha ha!

Ana: I had a friend try out a Boyzilian, the male version of the Brazilian. The selling point? The absence of hair makes your penis look bigger. It makes sense right? It will look bigger when it’s not fighting it out with all that bushy hair. You don’t have to shave it all off but do the nice thing and trim around the edges. Pubic hair is thicker, denser, and curlier than regular hair and, well, gagging on furballs is so not sexy.


"THE VAJ IS ONLY THREE INCHES DEEP, SO THERE’S REALLY NO NEED TO BE INSECURE ABOUT YOUR SMALL DICK"

Mich: Regardless of how long or fat it is, if you’re insisting on doing it in a motion or method that doesn’t do much for her anyway, then it doesn’t matter, does it? Studies show women crave constant clitoral contact when doing it, and a guy does that with his pubic bone or the base of his penis. So that kind of makes length or girth a moot point, in my opinion.

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Nicole: I prefer length. My vibrator has girth already.

Chanel: As long as it is not as wide as our pinkie and not as long as our thumb, then we won’t have a problem, ha ha! We don’t expect everyone to be perfect and gifted down there. Overall, performance is still the key!

Ana: Girth matters more, as proven by all the girls who have spilled the beans. Internationally acclaimed sex therapist Dr. Rosie King had this great explanation, that the vagina is just about three inches or so deep and after that you don’t really feel much. Which is why girls can have a tampon up there and she can forget about it after a while.

Jacq: I think both matter. But really it all comes down to how you perform.


"SAD TO SAY, WHEN WE FUCK, HE MOVES LIKE A CONFUSED SEA LION"

Nicole: When it comes to the motion of intercourse, I like it slow at first, then building it up to some sort of momentum...

Chanel: Technique should change every time, depending on the mood, location, and situation. It also varies from person to person. Some women prefer movements and positions that intensify clitoral stimulation, while others like their inner vagina to be stimulated more.

Mich: Notice how she moves against you when she’s on top, because that’s the motion she finds works for her. That should give you a clue on how she wishes you would move when you’re on top.

Jacq: I actually have no preference when it comes to the motion. I agree that it always has to be different.

Ana: Since we’re on the subject of penises, a lot of girls like to be pleasured orally but are too shy to ask for it or suggest it. Don’t wait for her to ask, just get down and busy.


"FRAGRANT PENIS IS NOT A REAL PENIS!"

Mich: We don’t expect you to smell like a baby down there, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you wash up with soap before you expect to get some. Pawis smell does not waft well from your singit, sorry. And yes, if you’d please tissue off after a stealthy midday poop. The smell does stick to the surrounding area come nighttime. Wash!

Nicole: Though I have encountered an aftershower smell, a sort of leftover soap smell, and it’s not exactly my favorite. I like it when it smells like baby powder, though.

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Chanel: Naturally, no smell equals good hygiene…and a good indication of disease-free genitals!

Ana: A penis is just like a vagina—it’s not supposed to smell like roses. Penises have their share of sweaty, muggy, and pissy smells. So when your girl says, “Let’s lather up and shower together,” it’s her polite way of saying: You gotta get cleaned up before I get busy.

Jacq: In my experience, so far so good. I think penis smell says a great deal about what food men take and their quality of hygiene.


"HAVEN’T YOU HEARD OF VAGINAL TENTING?"

Nicole: Air goes in there and it makes our vagina dry and if you put it in again, well, it’ll hurt. If you need to rest between thrusts, try to do it while still inside us.

Mich: If she’s lubricated enough, it shouldn’t hurt. But it doesn’t feel pleasurable, either.

Chanel: Factors a woman and man should consider to avoid pain is a man’s length and girth, arousal, and lubrication. With proper arousal and lubrication, a process called vaginal tenting sets in, making the vagina deeper and able to accommodate what it needs. If arousal and lubrication have not set in and the man goes in, then naturally there will be pain during penetration and if he pulls out too quickly then it would intensify due to friction...and more so when the man is large or the woman is a virgin.

Ana: For me, pulling out quickly is such a hassle. Like the electricity going out just when the movie is about to end. It’s kind of anti-climactic.


"WE ONLY SWALLOW BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU"

Jacq: When it comes to semen, I prefer sweet or no taste at all.

Ana: There is an urban legend about pineapple making your semen taste better, but if you’re going to get lucky, best avoid the spicy stuff.

Chanel: Friends say a high protein diet and some veggies make it bitter and unpalatable, while fruits such as pineapple or strawberries increase its fructose content, making it sweeter and almost fruit-like.

Mich: All women will tell you: All semen smells and tastes the same. Unless he has an STD. It’s not exactly delicious or fun to do, so while we know guys find it hot and act as if we should be grateful that we get to ingest
your sperm, please be sensitive enough to ask if we would want some water after.

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Nicole: I don’t like the taste of semen. Period. But we do it for you because we love you.


Got all that, boys? Now, let's all thank our panel of five:


FHM Presents: Your Fail-Proof Date Plan According To Astrology!

Illustration Boisei Malicdem
From FHM's November 2014 issue

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