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1. Be the old-fashioned gentleman. Talk to your future ex in private. State your reasons politely. Give her a hug when she cries, and assure her everything’s going to be all right.
2. Let music do the damage. Make her a mix tape/CD loaded with songs like “Tuyo Na’ng Damdamin” (Apo Hiking Society), “Someday You Will Be Loved” (Death Cab for Cutie) and, of course, “Irreplaceable” (Beyoncé).
3. Feed on insecurities. Ask her why she still hasn’t lost weight after all those yoga classes and constantly compare her cooking skills with your former lover’s. The next thing you know, she’ll be the one splitting the sheets.
4. “Bros over hoes.” Cancel one of your dates at the last minute for your frat brother’s stag party. Postpone your month-sary/anniversary celebration for your best friend’s 30th birthday. Stuff like that.
5. Execute grunge control. Become extremely difficult to live with, i.e., keep the dirty dishes and laundry piled up; leave the dog’s waste or your hangover puke untouched; stop taking a bath.
6. Break the news on air. Call in during one of her favorite radio shows, and ask permission from the DJ to read your breakup message live. Make sure she’s tuned in.
7. Post all bills. Take note of the qualities you find unattractive in her and all the things she’s done to annoy you. Write them on individual Post-its, break into her room, and stick them all over her wall or mirror.
8. A few minutes into an LQ, burst out into a sobbing fit and scream “I can’t take this anymore!” Then walkout
9. Change your Facebook relationship status. It easily sends out the message and instantly puts you back on the market.
10. “Dear Jane letter.” Make it simple yet significant. Deliver it through snail mail, send it to her e-mail, or post it on your blog. Or do all three just to be sure.
11. Go for the reel deal. Set up an “unhappy ending” movie marathon with her. Play along the lines of Blue Valentine, 500 Days of Summer, and Closer. If she’s smart enough, she’ll get the picture.
12. Relocate to another country. Before you leave, make it clear that you don’t believe in long-distance relationships. If she insists on getting your address, give her a fake one.
13. Tell her you’ve considered joining the seminary or becoming a monk. Explain that carnal knowledge will eventually become a no-no.
14. Advise her about your arranged marriage. If you happen to be Chinese or a Moslem, this reason (or excuse rather) will totally work for you.
15. Let her catch you red-handed. The sight of you flirting or making out with another girl could just throw her off the roof. It can be a scripted moment or a real one (if you’re that heartless).
16. Be the matchmaker from hell. Invite her out to dinner. Once she arrives, introduce her to the blind date you brought for her. Wish them “bon appétit” then leave.
17. Two words: identity crisis. Help ease her worries by saying, “At least it’s just a third sex issue and not a third party problem.”
18. “I love you, but I can’t afford you.” Tell her you’re going bankrupt due to her high-maintenance lifestyle.
19. Spread your own rumor. Inform all your mutual acquaintances that you’ve already broken up.
20. Ask mommy to do the honors. If she could talk your elementary teacher into fixing your bad grades, then she can certainly help you get out of this bad romance.
21. Take the sex for granted. Avoid giving her foreplay. Keep your eyes shut whenever you’re on top. Or don’t even go on top at all. Shout out another girl’s name while you’re coming.
22. Lay it down on a bed of roses. Use flower petals to spell out “I’m sorry, it’s over” on her bed.
23. Pack up all her things at your place while she’s out. Place them outside your apartment and change your locks. Leave a note explaining how much she’s eaten up your personal space.
24. “It’s not you, it’s me.” Inform her of your terminal disease or grave psychological problem. And tell her you’ve stopped taking your meds.
25. French Exit. No talk, no text, no e-mail. Block her on all IM programs, unfriend her on Facebook, unfollow her on Twitter. Change your number. Don’t answer the door. She’ll get over it somehow.
