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Jun 10, 2015
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Last June 9, Twitter user Ellie Centeno (@ForEllice) live-tweeted the kinkiest coffee shop conversation ever heard from a group of real-life "Titas of Manila."

So this is how it happened: Ellie was sitting next to three women in their mid-40s who were talking loud enough to be overheard. The topic caught the attention of our live-tweeter as one of the titas began opening up about the rather taboo topic of sleeping with an ex-lover. Ellie heard everything—the juiciest parts at least—and shared the LOL-worthy dialogue over the Internet with hashtags #TeamAmiga, #CoffeeorChupa and #ThirstyTitasofManilas.

The thread isnstantly went viral. As of now though, her tweets have been taken down because of the topic's controversial nature. (Essentially, it's about cheating, for which we've written another entry about here.) But just like the stories your mama used to read to you when you were a kid, there are lessons to learn from this incident. We list them all below, and encourage you to memorize it well. You don't want to be the next small-penis dude the whole Twitterverse feasts on!


LESSON #1:   YOUR WOMAN HAS NEEDS

The tweet: "Maybe it's because busy din kasi si Alfie lately with Novartis. I have needs!" - Amiga #1

Don't get too busy with work, bro. You might be earning so much money, but are you sure those expensive bags and clothes can make up for your shortcomings? A woman can live without all her luho as long as she knows you love her and there's someone she can always run to.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #2:   IN LOVE, THE PENIS IS JUST, ERM, AS BIG A FACTOR AS THE SIZE OF A MAN'S WALLET

The tweet: "Di namin kasalanan you married Alfie for his money and not for his penis." - Amiga #3

Believe that quality matters over quantity/size? That’s quite stupid. How will you even satisfy a woman if you got a small manoy? Rude? Well, truth hurts. So make sure you marry a woman who really loves you. Because you know what would happen next if you put a ring on a gold digger.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #3:   ALCOHOL IS, AND WILL ALWAYS BE, ONE OF THE BIGGEST KEYS TO GETTING LAID

The tweet: "Honestly, I can't believe I slept with him pero I had so much wine kasi." - Amiga #1

Never got laid? Maybe you just need to buy her a glass of wine! (Creepy, yes. But then again: IT'S TRUE!)

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GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #4:   SATISFY HER BECAUSE HER GIRL FRIENDS WILL INQUIRE ABOUT YOUR PERFORMANCE

The tweet: "Oh my gosh. How was it?" - Amiga #2

Though they may deny it, girls also talk about sex when they are together. So make sure to "hit the climax" if you don't want the girls to laugh like this behind your back:

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSONS #5:   ROLE-PLAYING IS WHERE IT'S AT

The tweet: "Ay nako, you talaga! Kami ni Mike, when it gets boring in the bedroom, we role-play!" - Amiga #2

The thought of doing it in real life may freak you out or make you feel like a cheesy porn star but it actually works for gals. It may be because of the novelty of seeing you in a totally different angle. Completely clueless how to nail it? Maybe Sex Tape could help.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #6:   SEX TOYS CAN HELP YOU REMAIN FAITHFUL

The tweet: "Keep your legs together, Raquel! Kaya nga may vibrator eh!" - Amiga #2

So maybe you shouldn't be insulted if your woman has sex toys. Maybe she's just trying really hard to remain faithful.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #7:   THE WALLS HAVE EARS...ESPECIALLY WITH TWITTER AROUND

The tweet: "I won't tell him, of course! Hindi ako estupida! Have some faith in me!" - Amiga #1

If you're trying to keep a secret, make sure not to broadcast it at a public coffee shop.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #8:   NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, GIRLS WILL BLAME GUYS

The tweet: "Wag niyo nga akong pangaralan. I can't help that I'm lonely." - Amiga #1

In hindsight, maybe you are indeed to blame if your partner is feeling lonely. After all, part of your responsibilities as her man is to attend to her needs.

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #9:   YOLO!

The tweet: "Decided na ako. I'll meet Rolly tonight for coffee & tell him we can't do it again. Even if I want to." - Amiga #1

When a girl asks for your opinion, don't take it seriously because even before she imposed the question, she already has something on her mind. And more likely than not, it's what she'll do. Save your saliva!

GIF via Giphy.com


LESSON #10:   YOU CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT WITH YOUR, ERM, GENITALS

The tweet: "Buhay mo yan, Raquel. More importantly pepe mo yan."- Amiga #3

Ever heard a friend say that to a friend? Believe it or not, it's actually a girls way of saying "Hoy, mali ginagawa mo!" So whenever she tells you "Bahala ka" or "Buhay mo 'yan," think very, very carefully about your next few moves!

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GIF via Giphy.com


What other lessons have you learned from this real-life secret affair? Our ultimate learning: If we want a really juicy scoop, we'd better hang out more at our suking Starbucks. #BetterThanTelenovelas

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