Ask FHM is a corner of the Internet where we fan the flames of your burning questions. Here, we dish out some tough love and an honest take on whatever potentially life-changing situation you find yourself in (while silently thanking God we aren’t you right now). Ask us anything. Except for money, and if open-minded ba kami.
I’m just your average college senior—buckets with blockmates after exams, basketball on weekends, blowing my allowance on sneakers and bike parts—but I have a pretty intense secret I don’t know what to do with. For the past term, I’ve been having an affair with my much older (and married) college professor. It was fun at first. But now I don’t know where it’s going, and to be honest, I don’t know if I have the energy to keep all of this cloak-and-dagger shit up. What do I do? How royally screwed am I?
We’ll be the first to cut you some slack. In every guy’s sexual history, there’s always that notch on the bedpost that shouldn’t be there, for a lot of reasons. It’s all part and parcel of sexual awakening and maturity, that heady time in your life when you’re pushing limits and figuring your shit out.
Not that were condoning it, mind you—it’s just a fact of life. Sleeping with someone you shouldn’t be will always, always hold that allure—just ask ‘60s-era Dustin Hoffman in that quintessential coming-of-age (of sorts) film The Graduate. Or if you want to be basic and millennial about it, just ask the horny-ass kids in The Kissing Booth. Whether it’s a damn-sexy older lady or your best friend’s sibling, deny all you want, but who they are (and why they’re off-limits) is pretty much exactly the reason why you’re screwing them.
And speaking of The Graduate, let’s bring it back to you and your particular moral dilemma. You say you have no idea where this is going with your lady prof. Well, have you even talked about it? As in, raise your hand and ask Ma’am a question? (Sorry, we just had to).
It’s sounding like you’re pretty much over the whole charade. Maybe the appeal of the whole affair has worn off? You don’t mention having any particularly deep feelings for her, so it appears that you’re already looking for an exit strategy. And you know what? That’s totally okay. You do NOT owe this epic situation anything—way too many people feel like they need to sit tight and see things through just because they’ve invested too much, or they feel there’s a lot at stake. Yes, you’ve made your bed (more like messed it up), but you do NOT have to lie in it any longer just because you’re worried things will get messy.
Your lady has a lot to lose, truth be told—her position, her family, and, unfair as it truly is, the older woman always seems to be scorned more in these scenarios more than the younger man—but as a grown woman who willingly did her share of hanky-panky, it’s not on you to worry about fixing her end of things. But that’s no reason to pile the weight of responsibility and culpability on her—more on that later.
That’s not to say this whole shebang hasn’t impacted on you, too. Clearly its weighing on your sanity, and maybe you’ve reached the inevitable slow rolling stop after a crazy roller-coaster ride. If you thought having an affair with an older woman was an adult, manly-man thing to do, the truth is, the adult, manly-man part comes after you have to end it. Only a few people will judge you for getting into the affair in the first place (if they ever find out), but everyone will judge you even harsher for what you do about it.
So, here’s our step-by-step guide to extricating yourself from a potential shit show. Ending an affair is always risky business, but time to put your big-boy pants on (God knows you’ve gotten good at taking them off), roll up your sleeves, and get your life back in order.
Talk to your lady. Tell her you can’t do this anymore—for reasons not related to her (you know, to soften the blow). Tell her you want to end it right before things inevitably get out of hand—like you guys getting caught. Don’t give her crap about you worrying about her particular sabit—just tell her how YOU feel. She should understand, that as far as affairs go, you feel yours have run its course.
Don’t bang her again. Not even for old time’s sake. Walk away.
She’s probably going to keep her mouth shut. So should you. Again, she has much more to lose if the public got wind of this. Do your part and stuff this episode of your life waaaaaay into the back of your closet of memories and kwentong pang-inuman.
Don’t think it makes you a stud. Sure, you’ll get an appreciative pat on the back or knowing winks from your dudes, but that short-lived validation isn’t worth the whole school knowing your shit. Trust us, the phrase “yung nakipag-sex sa prof” isn’t always whispered in awe.
So again, just keep your mouth shut. The relief you feel at having moved past this topsy-turvy time in your life should be enough motivation to keep the lid down on it for a good long time. Resist the urge to confess to people who might make it worse for you—loose lips sink ships, as they always say. And this affair of yours will go down like the freaking Titanic if the wrong people found out.
Again: Don’t bang her again. There’s a big chance your break-up won’t be one clean cut. She might want to talk again. You might feel tempted to see her. She might act like a crazy scorned ex. Heck, you might act like a crazy scorned ex—you don’t know how you’ll react to the aftermath, after all. Stay strong and don’t fall back into bed. You’ll be back to square one, and we ain’t replying to this query twice.
Notice a trend here? When you end it, end it for real, and treat it like freaking Fight Club—never speak of it. Sure, it was an awesome ride for a while, but it’s time to grow up and realize that sexing up a hot prof can cost you way more than the off-peak rates at your friendly neighborhood motel. It isn’t worth losing sleep, worrying about your future and rep, and getting guilty over a person potentially losing a job or a family, so take charge before shit hits the fan (as it usually does—the universe makes ways to right wrongs).
You’ll realize down the line that this affair will have changed you in a lot of ways, maybe even shaped you into who you are—but whether that’s a good thing will depend on how well you handle it. Oh, one last thing—why not enlist in classes with guy profs next sem? You know, just to be on the safe side.
Illustration Borg Sinaban