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‘It Hurts For Her When We Have Sex, What Am I Doing Wrong?’

It could be psychological or physical—find the root of the problem to aid your between-the-sheets experience
by Dr. FHM | Apr 13, 2018
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Ask FHM is a corner of the Internet where we fan the flames of your burning questions. Here, we dish out some tough love and an honest take on whatever potentially life-changing situation you find yourself in (while silently thanking God we aren’t you right now). Ask us anything. Except for money, and if open-minded ba kami. 

Vol. 7: ‘It Hurts For Her When We Have Sex, What Am I Doing Wrong?’

Dear FHM,

I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but my confidence is getting quite a beating in the bedroom. My girlfriend complains that it hurts whenever we have sex. I take it really slow and I’m not one of those freaky 50 Shades of Grey types, so what am I doing wrong? Is my girl broken? Is it my technique? Are we bound to have sad, horrible sex forever?

Here’s where we ease your fears and soothe your bruised ego: It’s most likely not your fault—but if, and only if, you truly are listening to her needs and taking the time make sure she’s into it. So given that your skills in the sack (and sensitivity) aren’t lacking, there are a lot of potential culprits that may be causing your girl’s pain—and some may even be rooted in medical reasons that can’t be fixed by a humble internet advice column, because we aren’t actually doctors (much to our mothers’ eternal disappointment).

So bottom line is, regardless if you’ve taken her V-card or not, or you guys have been doing it a week or for what feels like forever, sex should never hurt for either of you. Uhm, pain is actually the last thing you should be feeling (unless you’re into the good kind? Judgment-free zone here. But we digress!) There’s probably a legit psychological or physical problem you and your lady need to hurdle so you can bump uglies without the tears and frustration. Here’s a quick and handy guide.

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Does her vagina feel dry?

If intercourse hurts because you both feel she’s too dry, it could be remedied by carving out a little more time for foreplay. You’re not in high school anymore—there’s no need to rush or get right to the good stuff. Any experienced (and evolved) man knows that foreplay is all good stuff too—and it pretty much guarantees bigger and better O’s for your lady. Why? The fairer sex simply needs more time to get there—and lots and lots more stimulation.

Oh, and foreplay doesn’t have to happen while you’re naked and between the sheets. Pay special attention to her during the day—send naughty-slash-sweet texts, wear that pabango she likes, give her a back rub—c’mon, you know this stuff by heart. Oh, and one word: Lube. Lots and lots of it.

But if her vaginal dryness (sexiest words ever uttered) isn’t solved by a little extra loving, take time to consider some legit medical reasons for it. Some meds your girl is on, like the pill or antidepressants, can cause some dryness down there. And you can also blame her out of whack hormones, too (but not to her face)—some women who have hormonal imbalances or PCOS can experience a vaj drier than the Sahara.

How does knowing this help? We don’t know. Ask her doctor. Again, our answer is lube. Lots and lots of it.

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Does it hurt after doing the deed? Like say, while she’s peeing?

You guys might have gotten a little too frisky, causing a bit of swelling in her delicate lady parts. Again, go easy—take your cues from her and her comfort levels. If its an itching, burning sensation, consider that she may be allergic to any of the fun stuff you brought in to spice things up, like flavored lube or condoms (sucks!). Or, she may have a UTI or a yeast infection (sucks even more!). Don’t fret, though. These are all very treatable or fixable situations. Oh, and speaking of infections, it must be said that a burning sensation that can worsen during sex is symptom of certain STI’s— just putting it out there, dude. And sadly, that’s one thing lube can’t fix.

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Could the pain hint at deeper, more serious medical problems?

Totally. Because you sought medical advice from the internet, we’re mandated to freak you out. Serious reproductive issues like endometriosis can do a number on your lady’s ability to enjoy sex, from experiencing pain to decreasing her sex drive (which can cause dryness). Underlying psychological problems like depression, anxiety, and even trauma or sexual abuse can trigger dyspareunia (fancy word for painful sex). Feeling a little out of your depth? Talk to an expert and hopefully heal your girlfriend from the inside out.

Illustration Borg Sinaban

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