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'My Sex Life Needs A Little Shaking Up—How Can I Be Experimental Without Going Overboard?'

You and your partner are licensed to play around
by Dr. FHM | Oct 19, 2018
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Ask FHM is a corner of the internet where we fan the flames of your burning questions. Here, we dish out some tough love and an honest take on whatever potentially life-changing situation you find yourself in (while silently thanking God we aren’t you right now). Ask us anything. Except for money, and if open-minded ba kami.

Dear FHM,

My girl and I are happily dating, and I don’t see anything wrong with our relationship. I don’t know if this is normal though—I’m kind of getting bored with our sex life. We’re still doing it pretty regularly, but it’s always the same old thing. How can I get experimental without scaring her (or myself)?

In the interest of providing a satisfying solution to your problem (and not because we’re major pervs), on a scale of spanking to screwing dead animals, what do you consider overboard? You never really know until you at least try, right?

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No, we’re not advocating going full-on Eyes Wide Shut on your sex life, we’re simply pointing out that a mindset of being open to pretty much everything (legally) and being up to play is a prerequisite to upping the ante. Of course, slow and steady wins the race, so we’ll go easy—we’re just reiterating that you have to be game.

Down to business. Two major things you have to get before you can even consider ticking a single thing off the list of sexy tips below: Get out of your own way, and get your girl’s consent. The second one is pretty obvious—no one wants an unwilling accomplice in sexual (mis)adventure—but the first can be a struggle, especially if you’re the type who’s already hardwired to overthink.

Did it occur to you that maybe it isn’t your moves that are making your time in the sack less than steamy—it might be the fact that you’re all up in your head worrying about her satisfaction, the way your body looks, the fact that you’re spending money you don’t have on this motel overtime, oh and speaking of extra hours, your shitty boss is making you work overtime again tomorrow, and speaking of shitty boss, why hasn’t that prick given you that promotion yet? It must be because he doesn’t like you… Speaking of liking, does my girl even like what I’m doing to her right now? Should I switch it up? Is she faking it?

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You get the picture. Too often, you may be inhibiting yourself from reaching new heights simply because you’re stuck in your own head. Between stressing over your insecurities between the sheets and stressing over the reality that awaits you outside of them, it’s easy for sex to become routine, unimaginative, and ultimately, unsatisfying.

But before you can stab blindly in the dark (metaphorically, not literally with your penis) with some tried-and-tested ways to take things up a notch (yes, yes, we’re getting there) you may want to consider these (boring and touchy-feely) ways to help yourself loosen up a little. Because sure, you’re approaching this whole liven-up-your-sex-life scheme cerebrally with all this research, but you got to let your baser instincts take over when it's go time—and you can only do that with a body that’s primed and ready.

You can try to relieve stress that’s holding you back and reconnecting with your body with some mindfulness. Try some yoga or those guided meditation apps to blow off some steam. Get a massage to work off the kinks in your muscles and in your brain. Sneak in a workout or two so you’re working off some stress and aggression elsewhere before it paralyzes your sex game. Look at yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that you don’t look too shabby. Tell your shitty boss to go screw himself and see how it feels. (No, not that last one).

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Once you’ve committed to truly letting go of your inhibitions, you can get to the fun part. Here are some easy hacks to make sex even better. Now, not all the kinks listed below will be your cup of tea (speaking of—add tea-bagging to list) but the best part is actually just being game enough to try. You might find that it isn’t what you’re doing that makes sex mind-blowing, it’s how you’re going about it. If you’re both letting loose and having fun, those shared O’s are just the whipped cream and cherry on top (speaking of—add whipped cream and cherries to list).

Level up with gear that helps get you there

Basic: special textured condoms and hot/cold lube. Advanced: toys. There are a ton of stores both physical and online, so shopping is another heady experience all together. If you’re not ready to commit to those freaky gizmos, simply grab a tube of lube, an adventurous ‘tude, and go to town, dude.

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Explore the backdoor

Unless it’s a hard no from your girl, her butt (and yours—we’re all about equal opportunity here) is prime sexy-time real estate. Even light spanking or doing it doggie-style is already a welcome change from the usual. Ready to go deep? Ease into anal with gentle rim jobs before anything else. And again, grab a tube of lube.

Learn how to give a banging massage

Let your hands do the work. Get on some instructional vids on YouTube, then practice your newfound masahista skills on your girl. She’ll love the treat of an intimate massage, and you’re pretty much guaranteed a happy ending if you do it right. Just don’t wear sunglasses and wield a walking stick. Unless she’s into that…?

Put on a performance

Role-playing is not dead. But you have to play it cool. Those cliché nurse and schoolgirl costumes can take a little break—they’ve gotten so over-rated; the cliché will kill the mood. Ground your role-playing into reality. Ask your girl about what she’d do if she got to do over your first time together, and re-enact that. Ask her about her first orgasm (lots of lady magazines say that’s such a powerful memory sure to get her gears grinding) and see if you can role-play the scenario. Even a simple drunk-strangers-at-a-party shtick can still be hot.

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Bump and grind to a little "Bump N’ Grind"

Have you ever tried crafting your own sexy time playlist? There are tons of pre-made mixes on YouTube (albeit it’s a bit freaky doing it songs you know thousands of others bumped uglies to as well), or you can make good use of your Spotify Premium account. Don’t be afraid to deviate from the standards—you might be surprised by the kind of songs that can get your girl going. Try hip-hop or some low-key EDM—those beats are perfect for getting down.

Ask her what she wants

What if you discover your girl has a secret fetish for being tickled with feathers? Or she wants to try doing it in your parked car? A lot of women are a little embarrassed to admit what turns them on, so giving her a non-judgy space to explore that is sure to make sex even better for both of you. Remember it’s not always about what you want.

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Illustration Borg Sinaban

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