Ask FHM is a corner of the Internet where we fan the flames of your burning questions. Here, we dish out some tough love and an honest take on whatever potentially life-changing situation you find yourself in (while silently thanking God we aren’t you right now). Ask us anything. Except for money, and if open-minded ba kami.
Vol. 6: ‘Hayok Yung FUBU Ko Sa Laman And I Feel Like A Piece Of Meat!’
Dear FHM, so I’ve been casually seeing this girl I met through friends at a party. We’re both young twenty-somethings, so I’m pretty sure you get that “casually seeing” means our relationship started out in fuck-buddy territory. We have a lot of fun—and not just between the sheets—and I feel a genuine connection here. I think I’m starting to fall for her. But it seems I’m forever in the friend/fuck-zone (is that a thing? Did I just make that up?) because lately she only spends time with me if I’m DTF (down to fuck). It’s seriously starting to hurt my feelings. How do I tell her I want to level up?
Hey buddy—we feel you. Actually, no we don’t, because we can’t relate to this gwapo-mo-boy problem you have, but in the spirit of brotherhood, we definitely hear you. And we’re here to help you out with some real talk.
First of all, we assume that you haven’t breathed a word of this internal struggle to the lady in question? All this emotional turmoil is happening as an internal monologue, while you outwardly still act according to status quo? Here’s the first thing you have to understand, in relationships both budding and stale: Actions will always speak louder than words. And if the action, well, is the same action between the two of you, then what reason would she have to think that you’re starting to feel differently about the entire set-up?
Second, you’re about to break the sacred rule of fuck-buddies, as immortalized in many a cheesy flick: Don’t fall in love. It’s such a cliché that many women spend a lot of time and energy making sure they don’t—and there’s no manual for when it’s the guy who actually does the falling. And in this vein, remember all the cliché, pop culture references to what happens when someone in a casual relationship rocks the boat? There’s a big chance that your girl is investing a lot of her EQ into making sure she stays in control of this scenario—which could make her extra tone-deaf about your burgeoning feelings.
You have two steps to take: Tell her how you feel and let her know there’s a heart behind that chiseled chest we presume you have, and reinforce your words with action: No physical contact. Yep, no sex. How else are you guys going to figure out if you do have a connection between the two of you, past the obvious? Sex muddles things, as you are already figuring out, and removing it from the equation could give you a little clarity.
There’s no way for her to guess how you really feel about her unless you speak to her (and please, please don’t blurt out you love her in a post-coital haze, she will run for the hills). Give it to her straight—surely so much established intimacy between the two of you allows such vulnerability—and tell her that maybe, to quote Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast (sorry, it’s all we could think of), there may be something there that wasn’t there before?
It’s a huge risk, but a necessary one—why stay in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you? You may find out that she may have feelings for you too, or she may be taken aback, then move on because she’s at that time in her life when she just wants to keep things casual. She’s well within her rights to do so, and there’s no forcing someone who isn’t ready for something serious.
At the end of the day, before you do anything, have a little exercise in empathy: How would you react if you were her? Keep this in mind when thinking of how to approach the issue.
Illustration Borg Sinaban