It’s a little unfair how reliable sex positions like girl-on-top and missionary are dismissed as bland and unadventurous—because while those terms aren’t exactly inaccurate, these positions get the job done fuss-free. But humans are an insatiable species. We don’t stop until we’ve managed to contort our bodies in the most convoluted angles, so long as there’s enough leeway to bump uglies. Why do we make sex so difficult for ourselves? Here are some of the worst tales we’ve heard.
Table for two?
“My boyfriend wanted to bend me over the dining table at his condo. Pretty simple-sounding position, right? Well, he wanted to make one little adjustment—instead of me standing with him pumping behind me, he wanted me to wrap my legs around his waist while the rest of my body was on the table. As he thrusted and I adjusted, a bottle of beer toppled over, rolled to the edge of the table, and shattered to the floor. My boyfriend’s feet began to bleed. I had to fish glass out of his big toe.” —Chanel, 21
“You need upper arm strength.”
“I lost my virginity very late in life, so everything I knew about sex I learned from porn. At one point during my first time with a girl, I attempted to pin her against the wall. The plan was to wrap my forearms under her thighs for support. But my arms gave out and she nearly sprained herself. ‘Pabibo ka kasi. You need upper arm strength,’ she teased. I laughed along, but I was embarrassed on the inside.” —Barry, 24
The Biggest Loser
“I’m obese, so there are some positions that I simply can’t do with a partner. I once had a one night stand with this very sexy girl, and she wanted to get on top. The problem is, I’ve got a small dick too, so it gets buried under my stomach. She fumbled and struggled to put it in, but everytime she tried to bounce, she would lose contact. Eventually, she maneuvered herself off of me and suggested doggy style. She seemed disappointed. I felt terrible that night.” —Jase, 33
“My boyfriend loves shower sex. Obviously, there’s no other way to do it but standing up, with my leg propped up on something or wrapped around his waist for traction. During one such shower sex session, as I wrapped my left leg around him, my right foot slipped in the tiles, causing both of us to completely lose balance. My mouth made contact with the shower drain. AAAAH!” —Kristine, 23
“I like to do variations on my favorite position, which is missionary. One time, I swung my legs over a guy’s shoulders so that he could thrust deeper into me. The problem was that he weighed his body down on me a bit too heavily and suddenly. I heard my hipbones crack. He stopped. I waited to feel pain. Luckily, nothing. But that was the scariest shit ever. I’ve kept my legs down since.” —AJ, 25
“What’s wrong with you?!”
“My favorite position is kneeling on all fours while the guy is under me doing all the thrusting. He has all the control, but I’m still on top. Maximum clitoral stimulation, right there. I was doing this position with a guy I met at a club. As he thrusted faster, I let out a scream...right into his ear. He pushed me away immediately and said, ‘Aray! What’s wrong with you?!’ I apologized profusely! Luckily, we were able to continue.” —Louise, 23
Free show, anyone?
“Car sex is always so difficult. I remember sitting in the back seat of my car as my girlfriend straddled me. As she began moving up and down (very slowly, but very intensely—we were trying not to make the car bounce too much) for several minutes, I heard some boys going ‘Ohhhhh! Whoaaaaa!’ Turns out my girlfriend had accidentally pressed her hand and rolled down my windshield. Oops.” —James, 25
“I had a one night stand with a girl who could put her feet up behind her neck and form herself into a ‘pretzel.’ I thought that was really hot. So I tried to enter her in that position. Unfortunately, my ear piercing got stuck in her hair, so we had to disentangle ourselves while she was stuck in the pretzel pose.” —Kurt, 23
Out of Order
“My boyfriend and I got together when I was 30 pounds heavier, so when I lost that weight, I finally had the confidence to try girl-on-top. We were in the bathroom of a cheap motel, and he was seated on the toilet (on top of the closed cover). He motioned for me to straddle him. We were going at it so hard that the toilet seat detached. He DIY-ed it so we wouldn’t have to pay the fee. I love my horny, kuripot boyfriend.” —Geela, 22
Smile… You’re on CCTV!
“A friend with benefits of mine has this kink of having sex in the doorway of a hotel lobby. We opened the door of our suite, and then he carried me and pinned me against it. We finished up and thought we got away with it...until a member of the hotel staff knocked on our door about 10 minutes later. We were told that acts of public indecency were punishable. I was so scared they’d take us to the police. Luckily they let us off with a warning!” —Pat, 25
Boy, I’m not a porn star!
“I once had sex with this guy who spread my legs open wiiiiiiide while we were doing missionary. It was almost like he wanted me to do a full split. He did it so quickly that I instantly felt a sharp pain in my inner thighs because he had overstretched me. Boy, I’m not a porn star!” —Cheska, 24