Ah, the enigma of 21st-century dating: even though we have apps that can literally get us laid, they’ve done nothing to alleviate the general ambiguity that comes with emotional and sexual investment. Are we or aren’t we? What are we? When it comes to DTR (defining the relationship), it’s like the blind leading the blind out there. It’s time to cut the shit and figure out why she won’t lock it down with you:
“She’s got too much on her plate at work.”
Here’s the thing about work—we’ve all got it. We’re all busy. We’ve all got things to do. No one is exempt from The Daily Grind, which means no one is exempt from The Talk. It doesn’t matter if she’s in law school or going through her residency while your job is relatively less demanding; if she’s interested enough in you, she’ll make time. Even if that means only getting to see you, say, once every few weeks.
“The timing is off.”
The world is chaotic and unpredictable. Try as we might, we’re never actually ready for anything that comes our way, because if you think about it, our lives could be upended (by a job loss, a natural disaster, or whatever tricks the universe wants to play) at any second. Timing is a cheap excuse for putting off an important conversation. We get to live in this world for 80-odd years. You shouldn’t be comfortable with the idea of wasting time.
“She just got out of a bad relationship and isn’t ready to jump into another commitment.”
The first few months after a bad relationship or breakup can be traumatizing: trust issues abound, and she’s inevitably going to compare you to her ex. This time, it might be important to point that finger inward and consider whether you’re ready to face the risk of being the potential rebound. If you’re cool with that (are you really, though?), the next thing to remember is that no matter the pain someone’s been through, if they think somebody is worth it, they’ll take the risk for love again. That’s just what love does to people. If she’s not willing to do that for you then maybe they don’t think you’re worth the risk.
“She thinks it’s/I’m too good to be true.”
If the genie from Aladdin materialized before you and said he could grant you three wishes, would you walk away because you didn’t think he was real? We’re pretty sure you’d throw in one wish just to see if he could walk the talk. No one in their right mind would walk away from someone amazing if they could have them. Besides, you’re no genie—you’re an actual person who’s ready to take it to the next level with them. If that’s not real enough for them, we don’t know what is.
“She doesn’t think she deserves to be in a relationship.”
If you could see us now, you’d know that we’re shaking our damn heads. Anyone who doesn’t think they deserve to be in a relationship definitely isn’t out there dating (unless she’s in it for the free food, in which case, edi wow). And they definitely aren’t dating to the point where the other person—AKA you—feels the need to clarify what’s going on between you two.
“We’re currently long-distance.”
To be fair, a majority of long-distance relationships fizzle out before two people can find themselves in the same time zone again. Yes, they’re f*cking difficult. But once again, if she thinks you’re worth the risk, she’d be more than willing to take it. Distance shouldn’t be an issue, especially if there’s a definite timeframe until you can see each other again.
“Her parents don’t approve of me.”
If you’re consenting adults and are making your own money (even better if you’re living on your own), what in the hell do you need parental permission for? Y’all are grown. Should you get to the point of marriage, only then would it make sense to stress over her parents. A girl who’s truly into you would follow her heart and prove to her parents that you bring out the best in her.
“She still wants to see other people.”
If exclusivity is no bueno for her, this is pretty much a dead end. You could battle it out like you’re in The Bachelorette, or you could resolve to see other people, too. But you wouldn’t be reading this article if you were fine with the latter.
“She’s going with the flow.”
“If it happens, it happens,” is something you’ll commonly hear in the dating world. The pressure to go long-term is lower than ever, which warrants a lot of confusion and frustration. The reason she’s going with the so-called “flow” is because she thinks you’re okay enough to hang out with until someone else comes along. We know you don’t want to be a pastime, so consider looking for someone who actually sees you as the main event.