Are you your village's patron saint of forever-aloneness? Do you want to be forever-alone FOREVER? Chances are, you don't. As Ricky Martin and Christina Aguilera once sang in a duet: "Nobody wants to be lonely. Nobody wants to cry. My body's longing to hold you. So bad it hurts inside."
You sang that, didn't you?
Thing is, singing (unless you are a platinum-selling artist) won't help. What will? Our #ForeverAlone First-Aid Kit just might. These 11 basic tips will help you stop the bleeding.
1) Learn and earn pogi points! There are many girls you have no intention of asking out whom you can practice your panliligaw moves on. You’re a soldier of love in training for the big war ahead! Go out there and practice like your sex life depends on it (because, really, it does)!
Constantly taking photos with crush might not be the most effective way to earn pogi points.
2 Be a “bad boy.” Nice guys finish last. Just look at Robin Padilla, the opposite of the prototypical nice guy. Granted, not everyone can pull off being a bad boy, but hey, you can at least look the part. Grow a mustache or grow your hair long. (Note: not applicable to men who look like rapists.)
Nope. Moustache didn't help.
3) Don’t force the issue. Do you keep asking women corny knock-knock jokes? Do you call your crush after she hasn’t replied to your one-hundredth message? There is room for improvement; learn to tone down the “weird.”
Especially your facial expression. Don't let it wander off to the weird zone.
4) Loosen your shoulders. Don’t be too serious; being “emo” or “seductively quiet” only works if you look and are built like Vin Diesel.
5) Become a millionaire. By far, the easiest way. A woman likes being pampered—and there’s nothing romantic about the girl always having to pay for dates. Whether they admit it or not, women like a little luxury in their lives—namely, air-conditioned homes and eating delicious meals at least three times a day. A rich girl willing to marry an unemployed tambay exists only in substandard telenovelas.
And then when you've become a millionaire, start saying things like, "I don't usually lie down like this; but when I do, I make sure I'm wearing an expensive suit."
6) Up your porma game. You don’t know any porma moves. You are absolutely clueless about how to get women to smile, more so get them to say yes to a date. You always ask, “Pwede bang manligaw?” instead of actually doing it. Some girls like making the moves—bless their kind hearts—but they are as rare as a straight pubic hair, so be a man of action. Matuto kang manligaw!
7) Regularly do an odor-freshness check. You stink, literally. Have you ever done a breath check? Do you ooze body odor, not sex appeal? Make sure that’s not the problem—the nose knows.
Pro-tip: Always have a bottle of Blisterine (pang-romansa scent) ready!
8) Stop bragging so much. You brag about every single thing you’ve done to pimp your stupid car. You are so boring that girls forget you exist. The chikas will never sleep with you—and men will always want to punch you in the face. Stop being an asshole and get over yourself.
9) Stop being baduy. You’re so baduy. So what if you’ve got the face of an angel? If you’re jologs, you have low market value. Dude, it's just clothes, not quantum physics; it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out.
Stage 1: Denial
10) Ask yourself: Are you sure you're looking for a girl? That’s because there might be an itsy-bitsy chance that you might be looking for a boy. Ain’t nothing wrong with that but that’s a topic for another time.
11) Get the One Night Stan book—a book that holds all the solutions to men's problems (well, mostly the part about being too nice and getting basted all the time).
The items listed here are actually part of the book's first chapter "Kung Bakit Single Ka Pa Rin." The book's chapters eventually progress to even more important matters such as "Kung Paano Magyaya Sa Isang Motel (Na Hindi Ka Magmumukhang Manyak)", and "Should You Date Your Friend's Ex?"
There's no better time to get the book than this weekend, as Stanley Chi will be signing copies at the National Book Store in Trinoma on Saturday, August 1, 2015 with fellow funny man Ramon Bautista and guest performers, mentalist Justin Piñon and ventriloquist Ony Carcamo.
A final tip: If a girl turns you down, learn to move on. (Rapists are supposedly the only men who can’t take no for an answer, bro!)