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Every Noob’s Guide To His First (Sexy) Time

How to make losing your V-card an enjoyable experience
by Khyne Palumar | Apr 12, 2016

Your first go at copulation won’t be porn-grade spectacular but that doesn’t mean it has to be awkward and uncomfortable. Here’s to all the diddling you’ll get, Mr. Freshman...


WORST FEARS

First-time things that scare you: Hurting her during insertion

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: Rule of thumb (or forefinger and middle finger): If she isn’t wet yet, it isn’t a good time to stick it in. To get her wet and keep her wet, sex therapists advise exercising whole body love making, meaning you touch and stimulate her everywhere else: hair, lips, neck, tits, ass—not just before, but during entry, and as long as you’re in there.

Note: Vaginas lose their lube when she’s bored. So don’t just concentrate on the thrusting bits. Keep it slow and steady on the first slide in.


First-time things that scare you:
Early ejaculations

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: Every sex manual will already have told you to squeeze your penis or think of unsexy thoughts (Binay’s bumbunan, for example) to delay ejaculation. The less stressful first-timer approach: have at least one ejaculation prior to sticking it in. That way there’s what urologists call a refractory period, in which your penis is still recovering from a previous orgasm, so it can’t have another right away.


First-time things that scare you: 
Getting her pregnant on the first go

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: The smart thing to do is to wear rubber, of course. On her end, the closer she is to her period (three days before and after, if her cycle is regular) the likelier her eggs won’t be pairing with your sperm. She’s safe when she’s having her period, too—although, well, that’s up to you.

First-time things that scare you: Not sustaining your hardness

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: Don’t think about it. A briefly limp penis in your 20s and at your first go is normal and nothing to get worked up about. Fondle her tits. Kiss her lips. Give totoy a few tugs and it should get back up.


First-time things that scare you: 
Not pleasing her

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: It varies, but according to Pfizer's Ideal Sex Survey of 2010, what's noted as across-the-board pleasurable for women is a harder schlong. Between erectile hardness scores of 1 to 4—1 being soft as a tofu, 2 a banana without its peel, 3 banana with the peel, and 4 hard as a cucumber—almost all women respondents prefer the cucumber. Bottom-line: if you're excited, she's excited.

Continue reading below ↓


First-time things that scare you:
 Going limp mid-thrust

Guidelines/what you’re going to do about it: Change up your rhythmic pace: if you're thrusting slow, go fast. If you're at it fast, give totoy the time by feeling through it and going slow. Or pull out, do as above hack (not sustaining hardness) and get back in.


STIFFING HOPES

First-time things you hope happens: Simultaneous orgasms

Reality check / what will likely happen instead: The odds of “coming together,” are higher when you’re older and in longer-termed relationships. Younger couples will want it, but odds are low that they’d actually get to the promised land—at least that’s what the Kinsey Institute has gleaned from their partners’ orgasm reports so far.


First-time things you hope happens: 
Sticking it in her hole with the accuracy of a jump board-diver

Reality check / what will likely happen instead: Even if you managed to get it in without that awkward pause (“Is it in?”), it will occasionally slip out of her vagina between thrusts—it happens. Find your rhythm through practice.


First-time things you hope happens: 
Smoothly moving between and pulling off a "position"

Reality check / what will likely happen instead: Pornos and sex manuals make it look like basic cut-and-dry poses. In real life, raising her legs a few inches higher, spreading her legs wider, the angles from which you’re entering her, and other nuisances, make it a different “position” each time.


MOTMOT-ESE FOR BEGINNERS

(What those motel signs say)

Short time: One to three hours of room stay
Taxi room/garage room: Cab or your own oto are led to a garage, you enter your adjoining room stealthily from there
Room boy: Summoned for payments and at checkout, and at welcome lingering outside motel room premises, like an accommodations waiter asking which room you’d like to “order,” before he guides you to a garage.

Consumables: Food, and other things listed on room service menus

POST-DIDDLING
(Things to do on your way out)

Recollect used underwear
Because you're past learning how to undo her bra and panties, the decent thing to do is not step on them on the floor after.

Cleanup
Wrap used rubber in tissue before pitching it in the trash—don't flush it down the toilet. Lay gunky sheets on the floor if at a hotel, or in the laundry if you're home.

Have another one
...and another. Being in your 20s is as good excuse as any.

Continue reading below ↓

Nap and/or cuddle
It's the closest you'll get to a post-sex massage.

 

Illustrations by Juno Abreu

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