You may think that you know every damn thing there is to know about women—or at the very least your woman. Guess what, YOU DON'T.
Heck, we bet you're not even that familiar with her precious flower down under. Sure, you do so many things to it, and you love it to bits, but do you know its quirks? Do you know what it really wants? Do you know how to give it what it really wants?
It's time for your periodical exams, gents! Take the following vajayjay test and don't forget to get your kodigo ready!
1. The word “vagina” originated from the Latin word “vãgìnae,” which means…
A. Sword holder
B. Bringer of children
C. Virginal bag of fun
2. What do the vagina and yogurt have in common?
A. They both contain a good amount of the lactobacillus bacteria.
B. They’re both good for weight loss.
C. The Greek ones are the best ones.
3. The vagina’s pH level is around 4.5, making it naturally acidic, as opposed to the more “basic” penis, which falls around 8 on the pH scale. What good does this do?
A. It makes for a great environment for keeping your little swimmers alive inside of her love tunnel.
B. It allows for less friction and more lubrication.
C. Not true. It’s just a marketing ploy crafted by feminine wash brands.
4. Her wetness down there is a sure sign that she is totally aroused.
A. Not true. Vaginal lubrication means she’s fertile. She can be dripping wet down there but is not horny at all. More like “about to get pregnant” maybe.
B. Only true 50 percent of the time. My woman can be totally aroused even with a dry kitty, trust me.
C. You mean super wet—with my drool? One-hundred percent sure she’s ready for some action!
5. If not wetness, what about her vagina screams “hot and hungry for it”?
A. An erect clitoris. The clit has a pair of corpus cavernosa—the very same tubes of erectile tissue responsible for making your rod hard—that causes it to bulge and become more sensitive to touch.
B. The color. Light-colored vadge mean it’s soft and therefore easier to penetrate.
C. The smell. Pag amoy Lactacyd, alam na!
6. Her clitoris is more sensitive than all of your putotoy. True or false?
A. True. The clit has 8,000 nerve endings while the penis has only 4,000.
B. False. The clit has only 100 nerve endings, while the penis has hundreds of thousands.
C. False. My putotoy is just as big as her clitoris.
7. How big do you think the clitoris is, really?
A. Six to seven inches. That tiny button-like mound you see on the outside of her bajingo is actually just part of her whole clit, which has two legs that extend to her pelvis.
B. Three inches. It’s that bulge that’s directly connected to her G-spot.
C. Strictly speaking, just five centimeters. The skin it’s attached to has no nerves and therefore can’t be considered a part of the clit.
8. On average, how much fluid can her jewel box discharge over a period of eight hours?
A. About half a teaspoon, more if she’s ovulating.
B. Two tablespoons on a really hot day.
C. One cup, if Tera Patrick is to be believed.
9. Which of the following isn’t a part of the vagina?
A. Gray ramus communicans.
B. Vestibular bulb.
C. Ischiocavernosus muscle.
10. How many types of orgasms can a woman have?
A. Technically, four—clitoral, vaginal, blended, and multiple.
B. Two—clitoral and vaginal.
C. Five—clitoral, vaginal, oral, anal, and visual.
11. A blended orgasm occurs when…
A. She comes via both clitoral and vaginal means, due to extreme arousal before penetration.
B. She is joined in by another woman and they blend together.
C. The gooey fluid she emits looks exactly like the protein shake you drank yesterday.
12. A multiple orgasm, meanwhile, refers to…
A. Her coming repeatedly. Studies say this is true for women who can handle stimulation non-stop even after reaching orgasm more than three times.
B. Her coming at least twice during one session.
C. An orgy, definitely!
13. Fact or fiction: All vaginas look the same.
A. Both. Vaginas come in different shapes, sizes, and color on the outside. The labia are almost always asymmetrical, with one side normally being bigger than the other. But inside it’s pretty much the same muscular, tubular mound of flesh.
B. Fiction. They look different on the outside and feel different on the inside—if you know what I mean.
C. Fact. They’re all the same lovely glory hole I’d love to get lost in.
14. Which one among the following is most likely to have more trouble having an orgasm?
A. A woman whose clitoris is farther from the vaginal opening, according to a 2014 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
B. A woman whose clitoris is closer to the vaginal opening, according to Fifty Shades of Grey.
C. A woman with a small clitoris, according to Jada Fire is SquirtWoman 3.
15. Well-hung dudes can do what damage to her punani?
A. Nothing permanent. The vagina can expand up to 200 percent during sex. Its inner two-thirds increase in length and width when she’s aroused.
B. Fatal. The vaginal opening could get ripped especially when not properly lubricated.
C. A well-hung dude who’s pissed drunk can do emotional and physical damage even to a cactus plant.
16. In 2009, Russian gymnast Tatyana Kozhevnikova set the record by lifting a 31lb weight with her pussy. She did this by attaching the weight to a wooden egg that’s inserted in her tunnel. Which of the following statements is true?
A. The Pubococcygeus muscles inside the vagina are so strong that it can squeeze your penis and lock it in. Penis captivus—it’s fo’ real!
B. Like Miss Kozhevnikova, your woman can achieve this by doing kegel exercises regularly. This should be incorporated in gym training programs everywhere.
C. Miss Kozhevnikova is a fraud. Camera trick, guys!
17. Which animal has a close similarity to her pudenda?
A. Shark, in that they both contain the natural lubricant squalene.
B. Piranha. They both can eat you alive.
C. Cats, obviously. Hence the term “pussy.”
LET'S CHECK YOUR RESULTS!
Mostly As: You’re a va-genius!
It’s obvious you’ve been spending more time paying attention to her nether regions than your geography class. You can tell between actual fact and pure hearsay, a good sign that you effectively communicate with your woman and vice versa. Your girl must be really happy in the relationship you’re both in. (Or you are, in fact, a woman,
to which we say: Thanks for reading FHM!)
Mostly Bs: Getting there, soldier!
You know your pussy, but a little more research will prove to be more beneficial to your sex life. Encourage your woman to be more open about all things sack-related, keep reading FHM, and soon you’ll be known as Master Punani.
Mostly Cs: Uh-oh, something’s wrong here...
Have you even seen a real, live vagina outside of your computer screen? We know, right. You’re just starting with your, well, exploration, and that’s okay. Knowing the ins and outs of her love tunnel really takes time and lots of experience points. Give Mariang Palad a break and get out in the real world!
From FHM's April 2015 issue