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12 Tweaks To RomCom Your Sex Life

We’ve dismissed romantic comedies as a waste of time for so long. Turns out, there’s more wisdom to be gleaned here than you can imagine
by Khyne Palumar and Joe Madden | Sep 7, 2016
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1) Go for the girl in glasses

At a swanky party? Surrounded by glamazons in sequined dresses? Danger! Stay back! Romcoms teach us that if a girl is straightforwardly good-looking—glossy, poised, not a hair out of place—she’ll inevitably tear your heart out from your chest. Who you should be paying attention to is the bespectacled she-klutz. She may be clumsy as a reversing elephant, but the moment she removes those inch-thick glasses and sets free that pusod hairdo, she’ll be miraculously transformed as the most beautiful girl in the room. And because she’s used to being an ugly duckling, she’ll remain lovably-down-to-earth despite her looks. You just hit the win/win jackpot.

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2) Perform a painfully pa-cute version of a pop song
So there you are, at the airport—a man on a desperate, last-ditch mission to win back the love of his life. You’ve phoned in a fake bomb threat to keep her flight grounded, you’ve sparked a major security alert by storming onto her plane, and you’ve just knocked out her fiancé. Now it’s time to seal the deal—not with a humdrum declaration of love, but with a heartfelt one-man performance of a kitschy pop classic. But which song to sing at this climactic moment? Well, think back earlier in the movie…um, we mean your life. There was probably a song you and your would-be-beloved bonded over, for no apparent reason, and now that shared song appreciation is about to pay off.

3) Be tinged with tragedy
Romcoms prove even the most unlikable leading men can be instantly redeemed by revealing their chin-wobbler of a back story. Ideally, you’ll have single-handedly raised your little brother, Honesto, after both your parents died in a car crash while rushing home to give you your eighth birthday present—a GI Joe doll, the mangled head of which you now wear around your neck.

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4) Mine each other's ex appeal
Things going awry with your one true love? Then either get back with your scumbag ex, or encourage your one true love to get back with hers. Romcoms teach us that nothing speeds up the path to happiness like an ill-advised rekindling of an earlier romance with a weapons-grade bitch/bastard.

5) Teach from behind

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The only skills worth having are ones that can be shown to a woman while hugging her back, your strong arms wrapped around hers, your faces cheek to cheek. Pottery, longganisa-frying, and discus-throwing are therefore all excellent choices.

When already a couple, Instagram the romcom way
Take some photos of you and your woman standing back-to-back, like the poster of every romcom film ever: She should be yanking on your tie with a half-amused, half-annoyed expression. You should be smirking like a champion horse out to stud.


7) Don't be bald
Ever seen a leading man in a romcom who’s totally bald? Exactly. Bembol Roco—er, bald men don’t deserve love. They deserve to be in drama and action movies. Same goes for big beards.

8) Use rain

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Declarations of love are far more moving when yelled to her at top volume in a torrential pissing downpour. This shouldn’t be a problem since June is practically start of the rainy season. Assuming El Niño lets slip a rainfall or two.

9) Be nutty
Not actually crazy, but just fun crazy. The kind of guy who will ride a mechanical bull for 11 hours straight just to prove a weird point. Ha ha! Crazy.

10) Compatible? Then engineer some conflict
You can’t just meet a nice girl, get along from the start, go out on a date, and end up in a relationship together. Why not? Well, because…because you just can’t, alright? It doesn’t work like that. You need conflict, drama and wild incompatibility. You’ve got to study the woman of your dreams, see what makes her tick, and mold yourself into the worst person she could ever imagine meeting. She’s vegetarian? Ask her to give fried day-old-chickens a try every time. She’s a total neat freak? Transform your home into an ipis-infested shit-shed. She owns a small, proudly independent coffee shop? Become the CEO of Starbucks and then open 34 branches on her street. Sure, you’ll fight like cats and dogs at first. But you’ll have crazed sex after.

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Have pandesal abs (or the makings of it)

Although you’re not a gym-pumped meathead (leave that to your shallow love rival), when you do pull off that shirt in the presence of your lady, it’s of the utmost importance that you reveal a washboard stomach more befitting a Richard than the old Raymond Gutierrez.

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12) Don't declare your love until she's getting married
By that, we don’t mean wait until she’s accepted a marriage proposal from her current boyfriend. We mean, wait until she’s literally in a white bridal dress, surrounded by bridesmaids, preparing to walk down the aisle. Yes, it may seem like the worst possible momet to blurt out your long-buried, overflowing feelings. Yes, calling off a wedding at this stage will have repercussions for both of you for years to come. And yes, your actions are incredibly selfish and repugnant. But forget all that. You’re helplessly in love and performing a grand gesture. She can’t fail to fall head-over-panties in love with you.


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