So Magic Mike XXL opens in theaters this week, and girlfriends are bound to start prodding (or dragging) their SOs (that's "significant other" to you, you relic!) to the nearest cinema for a flesh-feast more suited for the fairer sex.
The first movie was critically acclaimed. And the sequel is still backed by famous film auteur Steven Soderbergh. They say the cinematography is very much on point. But who gives a flying fuck? Not us—but definitely our girlfriends.
So, in preparation for the man-objectifying madness that is Magic Mike XXL, here’s a list of excuses you can give the GF should she decide to pull you by the ears for an eye-raping of epic proportions. Save this on your phone. Learn it by heart. Arm yourselves before it’s too late!
YOU. ONLY. HAVE. ONE. DAY. LEFT. BEFORE. TWO STRAIGHT HOURS OF THIS:
UNLESS YOU LIKE TATUM-ABS AND TATUM-SEXCUTS, PLEASE MEMORIZE THE FOLLOWING LINES!
1) “OT kami sa work, babe.”
"Eh Sabado kaya, gago!" she replies. In which case, do this to yourself:
2) “But Ant-Man is showing too!”
Show her the trailer and watch her melt at Paul Rudd’s newly acquired mid-section. You see, you can have your comic book adaptation action and she can still get her fill of ab-ogling in the process! Double whammy!
3) “I can’t stand Channing Tatum’s face!”
Explain how the Chanimal always looks like he just sharted. She won’t agree, but it’ll be worth the shot.
"Magic Mike? More like Moron-faced Mike."
4) “Do you want me to be insecure about my body for the rest of my natural existence?”
Watching ultra-muscular strippers jiggle their asses is scientifically proven to be bad for the health. The guy on the left represents Magic Mike, the guy on the right is us:
5) “Magic Mike? Eh mas magaling pa ako sumayaw dun e!”
Twerk it like Miley just to prove a point. Or worse: Nae Nae your way out of that sticky sitch. Or you could go for something more classic:
6) “It’s just not the same without Matthew McConaughey…”
Yes, profess your false fandom for the Texan demigod and sell her on the idea that he was the reason why the first movie was such a hit. She’ll think you're gay for McConaughey, but hey, at least you’ll avoid all the hip-gyration provided by the sequel.
"Can't we just watch Wolf Of Wall Street again?"
7) “But (insert best bro's name who’ll vouch for you here) has a girl problem and needs to talk RIGHT NOW…”
Over a beer or five, of course. Cheers to escaping movie dates!
8) “Sorry love, I have to go to church on that day.”
With your bros of course.
9) “Beb, medyo masakit ulo ko ngayon eh…”
Back it up by feigning like you need to throw up. Then add: “Baka lalo lang ako mahilo sa dance moves ni Channing dun?”
But be careful, you might give
your girl a headache as well.
10) “Traffic! Can't make it to the screening on time!”
Trust us, it (almost) always works. Except during the times when EDSA miraculously clears itself up just when you need it to be at its worst.
Or just pray that the zombie apocalypse coincides with Magic Mike's screening schedule.
11) “Why not see it with the girls?”
“Di ba you said you don’t get to spend time with your gal pals anymore? This is your chance. Bonding muna kayo ng BFFs mo!” Pat yourself on the back. She’ll be thanking you for being so thoughtful.
"Come on, don't you miss your Spice Girls?"
12) “That movie is so sexist!”
Go into a hypocritical tirade of how men shouldn’t be treated like pieces of meat. Debate the cons of degrading the male form into a showcase of beefcake-ness. Wave your arms in gestures of disapproval. Make her feel guilty for her gender-insensitivity.
And if in case your girlfriend is incredibly stubborn and doesn't get that you're actually just reading off the excuses from this very list, you're better off just making the most out of this situation. How do you do that? WITH FOOD.
Every time Channing Tatum shows off his abs, grab these Filipinized movie treats from one of our fave food concessionaires at the movies, Taters:
Yup, that's adobo-flavored popcorn and guyabano-flavored iced tea! Let your girlfriend drool over that Channing while you take care of your tiyan.