They always say that you can never win an argument with your girl. Well, that's until now.
FHM breaks down every ace she has in an argument and formulates foolproof counter-plans that will leave her dumbfounded enough to stop her from running her mouth. In short, here are a few sneaky tactics guaranteed to shut the missus up.
After all, it's better if you could finish off the argument early, right?
'KAILAN MO AKO IPAPAKILALA SA FRIENDS MO?'
The Situation: Three years into dating yet you still keep her inside the tiny bubble that is your relationship. The first few months you were together, she really didn’t mind you putting all time and effort for just the two of you, but now you’re past the honeymoon stage, she feels it’s time you took a step to the next level. “What’s wrong with me?” she asks. “Why can’t I hang out with your bros?”
Your Usual Response: “Nothing’s wrong with you, di lang sila sanay na may kasamang girlfriends.”
Why It's Not Working: It has literally been years since you hooked up. She has blabbed about you to her friends countless sleepovers already—in fact you’ve already met a few of them. You might have it worse when she starts to think that you’re a loser—and maybe you really don’t have friends to introduce her to, after all.
The Snappy Comeback: “Gusto mo friends na lang din tayo?”
Why It Will Work: After the introductory small talk with your friends, she’ll appreciate some time with girls who share the same sentiments as her. Plus it makes you and your friends play the wholesome-boyfriend role once in a while.
'SINO NA NAMAN KASAMA MO?'
The Situation: Everything’s going well. You are on a boys’ night out, and she actually knows about it. Great. But the problem pops up the morning after when she’s scrolling through her online feed and she sees a photo of you with unknown people—a number of them girls in tank tops—with beer in hand, and your arm over a girl’s shoulder. In your defense, it’s a group photo. Walang malisya. But the issue rests on the fact that you did not inform her about it. Remember, she has to know everything. Or at least feel like she knows everything.
Your Usual Response: “Oh that’s nothing, just a few people we met last night.”
Why It's Not Working: Nothing much will work on her, especially that she was literally out of the picture. All your answers are invalid at this point.
The Snappy Comeback: “Matakot ka kung lalaki nakayakap sa akin.”
Why It Would Work: She really wasn’t there anyway, was she? Since she won’t take a decent explanation for an answer, why not rub it in her face that it’s none of her business? Did you do anything sketchy? No? Good. If yes, you better start praying to the gods she won’t find out.
'DAPAT NAG-IIPON KA EH'
The Situation: You know how wedding fees are ridiculously high, and at the rate you’re going with your sneakers collection, you’re far from affording even a simple civil wedding rite. Meaning, you can’t propose just yet, unless she’s fine with a tacky engagement ring. And if you do, would you really settle for a guest list of 20 people? We don’t think so.
Your Usual Response: “Meron pa naman akong nakatabi…”
Why It's Not Working: Sure you’ve got it all covered—only everything is charged to your credit account, and your cash flows directly to the banks. There’s no way you’re going to make her dream wedding happen. Heck, you even failed to cook something up for your anniversary.
The Snappy Comeback: “Pera lang ba habol mo sa ’kin?”
Why It will Work: For good measure, follow up with the chorus from Kenny Loggins’ "Danny’s Song": “Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with you honey... And everything will bring a chain of love...” Teary-eyed.
'BAKIT FRIENDS PA RIN KAYO SA FACEBOOK?'
The Situation: Make that all of your social media accounts. If she sees you’re still in (virtual) contact with your ex, you will never hear the end of it. She won’t understand that you and your ex have the same circle of friends, or that she’s remained close with your family. Unless you unfriend/unfollow your ex, the virtual world will never be at peace.
Your Usual Response: “Hindi naman kami nag-uusap, hon.”
Why It Isn't Working: Well,maybe she knows that already, only she doesn’t give a damn, really. For her that’s just keeping your lines with your ex open, and that is tantamount to cheating. Therefore, you’re nothing but a cheating, lying, mentally and emotionally unstable douchebag.
The Snappy Comeback: “Sige,i-a-unfriend na kita para hindi mo makita.”
Why It Would Work: It was actually a good breakup between you and your ex, and it’s more douche-y for you to delete her and everyone connected to her on Facebook. Your new girl just needs to know it’s simple as that. Plus if you’re going to cheat, wouldn’t you do a better job at being discreet?
'OKAY LANG BA AKO KINA TITA? ANO SABI NILA?'
The Situation: She has bugged you to introduce her to your kin just as much as your Tita Girly had asked you about her in family reunions. Now that you finally tagged her along to meet the folks, she won’t stop asking you what everyone thinks about her. “Do they like me?” “I think Tita Girly gave me the eye roll…” “I should probably talk more...” What you thought would give her peace of mind has turned into episodes of paranoia.
Your Usual Response: “They think you’re really nice.”
Why It's Not Working: This is exactly what she wants to hear from you,but giving her that kind of an answer makes her want to get more compliments for affirmation. You will not hear the end of it.
The Snappy Comeback: “Masyado ka raw ma-tanong.”
Why It Would Work: Keeping it vanilla will make her hungrier and thirstier for answers, sure. But sooner or later, she will realize that it’s really not much of a big deal. If she sees that she might be making too much fuss out of her every visit, then she’ll learn to calm down and be more herself rather than trying her hardest to impress your family.
'ANONG ORAS KA NA NAMAN UUWI?'
The Situation: It doesn’t matter if you are out with the boys on a sneaky Friday night on Quezon Avenue or you really are working your ass off in the office overtime. When this question is raised, you know the missus is already held up by the door, waiting for you to come home and give you some live nagging.But while you’re still on the loose, she’s armed with a fully charged phone, peppering you with calls and text messages in all caps every five minutes. No matter her reason, make sure to answer her calls and reply to her texts. Every time you ignore her, her aggression doubles. Be warned.
Your Usual Response/s: “Promise, last bottle na.” “Para sa future natin ‘to.”
Why It's Not Working: You really wouldn’t go on overtime alone while your colleagues spend their post-work shenanigans together, would you? Yes, she saw it on Instagram because she’s practically befriended your office buds online for easy tracking of your whereabouts. Also, giving her that excuse would make her think you’ve got the mañana habit bad.
The Snappy Comeback: “Sa tamang oras.”
Why It Will Work: Girls hate it when you lie to them, so quit giving her empty promises that you are on your last bottle and that you’ll be home in an hour. We all know you aren’t. What’s true is that everything will happen—and end—in its right time. Apir, bro!
'LAMBINGIN MO NAMAN AKO'
The Situation: It will seem like she’s prodding for something beyond your capability and willingness, but what she’s really looking for are your flowery words and gentlemanly caresses—the gestures that got her to say yes in the first place. Suddenly it has become a big deal because you really don’t keep track of the rare times you’re malambing. For you, things just don’t get grander than how they are, unless you are elated by a special occasion or you’re on your casual topak to be Mr. Romantiko.
Your Usual Response: “Hindi ba ako malambing?”
Why It's Not Working: You’re digging a deeper hole. If she has to ask for it then clearly you are not malambing, and whatever it is you’re doing, it’s just not working. By asking her this question you make yourself vulnerable to her rants. Blame it on Buzzfeed lady-lists to tearjerker wedding vids, the bar has been set anew. “10 Ways to Know He’s Not Into You Anymore,” or “Best. Wedding. Vows. Ever!” You’ve got some keeping up to do.
The Snappy Comeback: “Tigilan mo na kakanood kay Jason Magbanua*! Walang forever!”
*If you are paying close attention to your girlfriend’s list of “What to Watch,” you’ll know that this dude is to blame for the dreamy wedding videos.
Why It Will Work: A slap back to reality is always a good thing. Remind her that she’s not with a real prince, and that all you could ever be is charming.
Illustration Jeremiah Adanan; taken from FHM's August 2015 issue