When I found out that the Pope was coming, the first thought that came to my mind was, “Heto na.”
You see, I expected it to be one big riot, with TV networks being all over it and politicians attempting to transform a religious visit into a political one. And then there’s the badgering you can expect from religious titas who will be more self-righteous than ever—plus the heavy traffic that will make you an official informal dweller of EDSA.
I tell you, if you can’t remember the last time you prayed, now is a good time to start doing it again because it's not every day that the Pope comes around. I'm no saint (and all my past entries can attest to that) but hey, maybe this is a chance for me to actually wish some good.
I have a few prayer requests that I want to share with the Pope myself, concerning many problems that are in much need of a divine intervention.
Since we all know na malakas siya kay Lord, I’m crossing my fingers, hoping his Internet-savvy people get to read this. Who knows? They might say, “Pope Francis, this loko named Stanley Chi has a point. Pagbigyan na natin; kawawa naman.” So without further ado, dear Pope Francis, do hear my prayers...
1) Prayer for lighter, makataong traffic along EDSA
Tell me this isn’t relevant and I’ll tell you you’re lying!
Many have tried to conquer the beast that is the EDSA traffic situation, but no mortal has ever succeeded. We need a miracle for this to happen consistently.
Please Pope, we're going crazy already:
2) Prayer for an Internet connection that is at least faster than the EDSA traffic
We have 34 million internet users in this country but our internet speeds are reminiscent of the horrors of EDSA traffic: Ang bagal gumalaw at nakakainit ng ulo!
If the powerful telcos are telling the truth when they say they’re “doing the best they can” to improve Internet speed, then the solution lies not in them, but in Someone more influential.
Above: an artist's metaphorical allusion to the state of Philippine Internet
(Image via Timvandevall.com)
3) Prayer for local TV shows and movies that are respectably original
Is there a thinking Pinoy who isn’t sick and tired of the same old telenovela plots? There’s always the pangit/mahirap girl who likes the coño guy. She gets a makeover and she ends up with the coño guy. That’s despite the coño guy’s matapobre parents who don’t approve of their relationship and the hot kontrabida girl whom coño guy ultimately rejects because she’s a bitch. Repeat ad nauseum.
I’m all for supporting the underdog, but don’t we deserve a new storyline?
Or not. Just more Kathryn Bernardo in a kamison
4) Prayer for more LRT and MRT trains that neither derail nor threaten to kill us in some other Final-Destination-ish way
Everyone dreads riding the train during rush hour. We want to be treated like people, not sardines! And as if squeezing into a jam-packed train isn’t enough of a challenge, there’s also the occasional pickpocket who wants in on the fun (one MRT smartass actually stole my phone a few months back).
Whoever has my old phone, just you wait. Once Pope Francis starts praying for MRT commuters, yari ka!
On the other hand, I also wouldn't mind praying for a train like the one below. Sarap!
5) Prayer for coños to actually learn to speak Tagalog the right way
Many of us hate it when the English language is butchered. But would you mind when coños start pronouncing, “‘Di ba?” as, “Dubuh???”
I’ll give you a free pass if you’re Fil-Am. I will even say Taglish is a sign of our multilingual culture. However, if you’ve lived in the Philippines your entire life, you are not entitled to a completely fake “American kuno” accent. It’s an insult to the beautiful, lyrical way the Filipino language is meant to be spoken. It’s also an insult to the English language! And no, your poser twang is not cute.
If the Pope can't help us though, maybe W.W. can:
6) Prayer for the extinction of the kupal breed of taxi drivers, guards, and traffic enforcers
First off, there are good ones out there. Unfortunately, they are severely outnumbered by those that give them a bad name. As such, we still look at people with authority as assholes, like some security guards in a certain university along España. Or some greedy traffic enforcers who confiscate your driver’s license so that they can ask you for “pang-kape lang” money. Or many taxi drivers who stop when you hail them but refuse to drive you because “gagarahe na” or “kakain pa” or “may susunduin.”
At the very least, we now know that traffic enforcers can't leave their posts and use the "I need to pee" excuse; they've been given diapers!
Video via GMA News and Public Affairs
Funny how the universe works!
7) Prayer for the end of prayer-bragging on Facebook
I really hate it when people upload photos of their new gadget or boast of accomplishments, then say they want to “thank God” for their blessings. If they really want to thank God, then they should pray, instead of announcing whatever it is they want to brag about while disguising their impure intentions with a prayer!
For the record, God does not have a Facebook account. Besides, if you truly want to thank Him, don’t let it be because you have something new to brag about. Stop with that kalokohan.
You see, it's like this:
Pero dinamay mo pa si Lord!