Here are two words anyone with jologs sensibilities doesn’t want to hear: fine dining. Even to the regular foodie, the idea of having to use the correct spoons at all times might seem a little intimidating.
I mean, can you imagine eating rice without a spoon? Katakot, ‘di ba?
However, at one point or another, every pogi in the city is going to have to eat at a fancy restaurant, if only not to turn off a date. As tipid as it is, we can’t keep bringing our dates to Jollibee, McDo, or the food court—that diskarte is simply too high school for us to keep doing!
Besides, it’s easier to make your moves on her if the ambience makes you feel like you’ve been transported to another dimension--one where sexual innuendos look romantic instead of corny. You don’t want to be jologs-zoned, do you?
Nope, you don’t want to be that guy na "hindi pinapatulan dahil jologs.” Tough, but true. Women can be very matapobre with their tastes in men, although it’s something they’ll never admit. #RealTalkWithStanleyChi
7 Survival Tips In A Fancy Restaurant
Because I’ve mastered the art of pretending and putting my best foot forward during dates, I'll impart my knowledge with yoo, my loyal readers. You might think it’s so plastik, but isn’t pretending what we usually do when people ask us to “put our best foot forward”? Pinaganda lang yun, eh.
In any case, if I can do it, you can do it better.
1) FATE FAVORS THE PREPARED POGI
Go to that fancy restaurant in advance and check out all the meals that wouldn’t break your budget. If you don’t, you might get too busy getting over how price-shocked you are instead of focusing on more important things, such as impressing the girl you’re with.
Then, try the starters, entrees, and desserts you plan on ordering during your date night. After all, you can’t recommend food you’ve never tasted! And whatever you do, don’t upload those photos on Instagram. In other words, don’t be tanga. Please lang.
In additional words, don't be like Patrick:
2) PREP LIKE A PRO
You have to prepare not only yourself, but the girl as well—and the prepping starts days before your actual date. If you don’t give off the impression early on that you’re the fine-dining kind of guy, she’ll think you’re trying too hard for her (and she’ll be right).
Share poser foodie articles and set the stage for a great date. And yes, pati grammar mo tsine-check niya, so brush up on your subject-verb agreement lessons in high school.
Trust me on this: Foodie is the new sosyal. Besides, if she knows you’ve got taste, she’ll let you take charge when you order food for her in the resto where you did your, uhm, “ocular inspection.”
And even if that foie gras isn't your kind of food, try to at least keep it in your mouth.
3) GET HER TO NOM-NOM ON YOUR INSTAGRAM FOOD PICS
Lahat tayo, patay gutom—yung iba, magaling lang magkunwari. Once you post great food photos, she might even ask you out on a date, if only to join you in your poser food adventure!
For added impact, secretly ask your loyal friends to comment and like those food pics. Your engagement will give her the impression that when it comes to food, you’ve got street cred.
On another note, what should you talk about over dinner? Definitely not Twilight. Unless she's a Twilight fan. Then, definitely talk about Twilight.
4) THE WAIT STAFF IS YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM—MAKE SURE THEY'RE PART OF THE PLAN
The waiters in your restaurant of choice can help recommend signature dishes. They might even teach you how not to look like a fool by teaching you to pronounce their menu items correctly!
If you’re desperate to impress a really snotty poser girl, ask the waiter to refer to you by name when you enter the restaurant during your date. With the help of the wait staff, you will look like you belong.
Or else you will spend the rest of your life dining with a fake girlfriend.
5) KNOW YOUR TABLE ETIQUETTE
Learn from the best teacher online: YouTube. It's easy to search for ways on how to eat pasta like a boss instead of like a kargador.
Too lazy to even search online? Observe how those conyo kids eat while you’re doing your “ocular inspection.”
6) PRACTICE YOUR GENTLEMAN MOVES
Pull back a chair for her. Let her try the food first. These things may seem small, but you can bet she’s taking mental notes, judging you quietly based on how you behave during your date!
Once you start eating, don’t eat like you’re inhaling food, true to your patay-gutom form. Pause between bites and listen to her stories. If her stories are starting to bore you, you can always pretend that you're listening.
Basically this (but the opposite of it):
7) DON'T BE TOO KURIPOT
Never left a tip for the staff before because you think it’s pointless? I hear you and your empty pockets, dude. But this is not the time to be kuripot.
Make sure your date sees you leaving a tip at the end of your meal. The wait staff did help you despite your ignorance in fine dining, yes? Just remember how awful the night would have gone if not for their help.
Just think of it as bribe money so that they don’t actually ruin your date—baka ibuking ka. A P100 tip is okay (I know that’s masakit sa bulsa, but do it in the name of Johnny Depp's collection of finger utensils.)
Follow my survival tips in fine dining and you’ll get used to poser restaurants that used to make your nose bleed. But before you embark on a poser date adventure, make sure you’ve got enough money saved for it! You don’t want the debt collector to keep harassing you on the phone because of your unpaid credit card bills.
If you’re even more broke than you want to admit, you can always read my article on the Diskarteng Kuripot. Don’t say you’re too lazy to do it; otherwise, make sure you find a girl who won’t mind eating in the food court while listening to your mali-maling grammar.
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram (@supladotips), Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his blog!