Hey there, naïve person who believes that overstaying in the office leads to riches! If working until midnight in your lonely cubicle isn’t exactly helping you reach your life goals the way you thought it would, then there’s only one acceptable reason for you to keep doing what you do: an incredibly hot girl in the office who makes your heart beat extra fast.
Wouldn’t hurt if she also makes you drool a little, too.
Why be both underpaid and undersexed? If you insist on slaving away most of your precious life in an office, you might as well "multitask" by finding a potential date while you work your ass off.
It just makes sense. You sit in that sad cubicle at least ten hours a day, five days a week. Because of company affairs you have to attend to maintain your masipag image, you spend more time with your officemates than with any of your family and friends.
While you get some work done, you might as well get some.
These Are The Women In Your Neighborhood
Being the excellent observer that I am, let me introduce this list of potential dates in the office by stating an obvious fact which I’m sure you already know: Not all women are the same. Some will welcome your pasimpleng kalandian, some won’t.
Your batting average aside, here’s the good news: Many hookups happen in the workplace. Even a former president of America once hooked up with his secretary. Yes, statistics are in your favor!
The many flirty comments, the occasional winks that get thrown around… believe it or not, these may be loaded with erotic undertones. Unless you’re a delusional pervert, you just might have an accurate gut feeling about who’s interested in extracurricular activities with you.
Let’s check them out one by one
1. The Intern
Usually a fresh grad, this optimistic employee is probably incapable of thinking that anything carnal ever happens in the office. Because of their youthful idealism, they won’t get what “I just want us to have a good time” means.
Besides, you do know what “cradle snatcher” means, right? It’s the next worst thing to being referred to as "tito" during a date.
How to ask her out: Tell her you've got tickets to a music festival!
"And this is how people dance in festivals today, right?"
2. The Colleague
As a woman who thinks you’re her equal, she probably understands you better than other employees. That means she also knows how much of a flirt you are.
You might end up arguing more than anything because she’s going to question every single interaction you’ve had with all other female colleagues in the last four weeks. It’s not like you can blame her—you’re flirting with her, aren’t you?
How to ask her out: Ask her if she'd like to have drinks at the watering hole near the office. It's convenient—and beer tastes the same everywhere anyway.
3. The Mentor
She’s the lady who’s probably a little older than you, the one who’s a rung or two above you in the work hierarchy. You go to her for advice—she seems to know a lot.
But is that the reason you seek her wisdom? If you think she digs you, ask her what you should do if you happen to like a woman in the office—she just might teach you how to woo her. Bro, it can’t get any easier.
How to ask her out: She's more financially capable, so it's time to bring out the big guns (by withdrawing a small fortune from your savings account) and take her to a swanky dinner.
And for your own sake, leave this kind of joke at home:
4. The Boss
Women in power are a huge turn-on. So what if you have to make her coffee at work? As long as she follows orders in bed, then it’s all good.
Just make sure you know how to handle a strong woman. Baka naman pati sa kama, ikaw pa rin ang nagsasabi ng, “Yes, boss.”
How to ask her out: She's the boss, and she's been around the city. You'll have to get creative, and take her to some hole-in-the-wall diner that her high-flying former lovers haven't taken her to.
5. The Client
Dating a client is a potential work hazard, but it can be exciting, too. Imagine hitting it off with your client, both in terms of relationship and work. You just might be joining her at work soon enough, what with the grass being greener on the client’s side of the fence.
In a nutshell, you might become the future boss of your present boss! It gets sweeter if your boss happens to treat you like garbage. I believe there’s a word for that: karma.
How to ask her out: Tell her that you'll give her huge across-the-board discounts on your services if she goes out with you. Just kidding. Don't be a loser. Just keep her interested by telling her stories that she doesn't routinely hear from her own office. That should keep things entertaining for a while.
Before even thinking of office romance, keep in mind that there’s a chance you’ll get caught and be the topic of office gossip. Play it cool—people in the office can usually tell if something’s up.
Of course, if you can help it, I suggest that you don’t do it in your own backyard. You might also want to consider updating your CV—you know, for when the human resources department catches you red-handed and says, “You’re fired!”
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM!