Nothing beats the feeling you get when you're about to explode with pleasure and your parents walk in on you while you're naked. Worse, you're masturbating.
Yes, it's a unique feeling that will scar you for life. Hashtag: #HuliKaBalbon! You can’t decide what’s worse: the fact that your parents saw you with your pants down, or the fact that they caught you, um, “molesting” yourself.
Horrible as it all seems, getting caught pleasuring yourself isn't the most horrific part of it all—not knowing what to say in the next ten seconds is. Ano nga ba ang sasabihin mo pagkatapos mong mahuling naglalaro ng butotoy?
This is true whether we’re talking about your career or your private banyo session: Fate favors the prepared. Mahirap nang mabitin.
In the spirit of preparation, I did a little survey on my Facebook page to find out which hirits will garner the most likes and comments. Below, I share with you the top picks—just make sure you remember and use these hirits sparingly so that they remain believable. Time to bring out the actor in you; gamitin mo ang acting skills na nakuha mo sa kapapanood ng mga telenovela.
1) " SPERM DONOR PO AKO”
Your parents may not approve, but at least it's all for a worthy cause. Nakaraos ka na, nakatulong ka pa.
2) “TINE-TESTING KO LANG KUNG GUMAGANA PA, HINDI KASI NAGAGAMIT”
If you’re single, I’m sure they will understand… especially if you’re in your '30s and still a virgin.
3) “KESA NAMAN MAG-DRUGS AKO”
It may sound a little too tongue-in-cheek, but it's definitely the lesser evil. No argument there.
4) “SCHOOL PROJECT PO PARA SA ANATOMY”
Doing research for school is not bad. Education is the answer to many problems, including poverty…and even toself-inflicted acts of lasciviousness, apparently.
5) “TABI PO, BAKA MATALSIKAN KAYO”
This is a really effective hirit while mid-fap. Practice it. Memorize it. It might come in handy one horny day.
6) “HINDI KASI AKO MAKATULOG”
Research has proven that masturbation relieves stress and helps you sleep better. It might be a better cure for insomnia than sleeping pills – wala pang side effects.
If all else fails, humirit ka na lang ng, “Please close the door – I'm busy.”
BETTER YET, DON'T GET CAUGHT
I bet that if you do get caught one day, it's because you did something really stupid, like forgetting to lock the door or doing the fap frenzy while your parents are in the room right next to you. I know it helps to prepare comebacks for when you get caught massaging your cucumber, but isn't it just as good—if not better—to actually make sure you never get caught.
1) INSTALL TEN TYPES OF DEADBOLT
So what if the firemen can't rescue you from that death trap a.k.a. your room? You may burn and die inside, but at least you die happy.
2) MAYBE JUST DO IT IN THE CAR
Not a good idea if your family car doesn't have tinted windows.
3) TREAT YOUR FAMILY TO A NIGHT AT THE CINEMAS
While you stay home. If they start wondering why, just say it's your way of making up for not doing your chores lately. You're going to have to dish out some dough but if end up having the house all to yourself, isn't that money well spent?
Some words of comfort: If you do get caught, take solace in the fact that even if you’re feeling quite embarrassed, your parents are probably more terrified than you. As long as no animals are harmed while you do it, you don't have to feel guilty.
Tsaka oo nga naman, at least hindi ka nagda-drugs. It gives new meaning to the hashtag #NaturalHigh, doesn't it?
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, and the bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, One Night Stan, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and branding genius. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM!