Everyone gets horny—we’re only human and it’s normal. But if we show our true, weaponized kalibugan, we will be stereotyped as perverts who do not deserve to be introduced to any woman’s parents.
In other words, we will look like manyaks. And nope, nobody wants to be categorically called one.
I cringe whenever someone quips “Magpakatotoo ka, brother.” Truth is, nobody wants to see you pick your nose, fart, or drool in your sleep, all of which are things that happen to a “true” person. That’s why we always put our best foot forward when meeting new people or dining out with a date.
Let’s face it. Our true selves can wait until later to reveal themselves, lest we be ostracized by society. Here’s how you can keep tabs on your own, erm, “animal instincts.”
1) LOOK FOR A WHOLESOME ROLE MODEL
What do Superman, John Cena, and Captain America have in common? They all have a wholesome image…and millions of fans.
There’s a reason why people love them: They echo the goodness that we want to see in ourselves. Do you think all three would still be as revered as they are now if they were all-out perverts? Yep, probably not.
And shave that damned beard!
2) BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING
Your sperm isn’t the only thing you can give back to the world in a way you enjoy.
I’m sure there’s at least one advocacy you can stand behind. You can help save the planet, fight for women’s rights, or support anti-bullying campaigns. If you have a soft spot for animals, you can even help raise awareness about bee colony collapse disorder (I’m not making this up).
OR you could always wear a sexy costume to raise
awareness for rabbit health or something
3) POST PET PICTURES ONLINE
You should thank Mark Zuckerberg—he just made your dating life easier.
Surveys show that compared to guys who hate getting fur on their expensive clothes, men like me who enjoy the company of pets are more likely to get a girl’s number. And what better way to show the world you’re an animal person than via social media?
Do me a favor: Don’t run off to the nearest pet store to purchase a puppy. If you really want to share your home with a four-legged friend, adopt or rescue instead. That story about how you rescued your dog or cat will get you far, my friend.
See? Adopted cats can even speak!
They'll be the ones to tell your story!
4) DON'T TALK ABOUT NAUGHTY, NASTY STUFF
Cleanliness is next to godliness. In other words, keep your mouth clean and you’ll look like a god.
Women like to talk about us. Do you want them to describe you as that perv who keeps looking at their cleavage, or that funny guy with a sexy smile? Oh, and you can thank Mark Zuckerberg a second time—with Facebook, you can ogle any cleavage in the privacy of your own home.
Yup, this dude won't be getting any
5) GET INVOLVED IN SPORTS
Short of an orgasm, nothing gets rid of all your pent-up libido more than a sport that gives you a super dose of feel-good endorphins.
Buy a bicycle and join a bike club. Purchase cool kicks for when you run or jog. You might even get six-pack abs and meet new women. It’s hitting two birds with one stone, dude.
You might even meet the love of your life there!
6) DELETE YOUR BEOWSING HISTORY
Anyone who uses your computer just might find out you’ve been busy appreciating, uh, “art videos.”
If you hate having to delete your browser history, you can always go incognito. One thing’s for sure: Whoever doesn’t clear his browsing history in this era of porn is mind-numbingly stupid.
It’s sad but true: Hiding the monster in you—by not ALWAYS showing the world your true horny self—can earn you a lot of pogi points. Its called temperance, bro, and think of it as a courtesy to civilization.
Besides, you don’t need to pretend for the rest of your life. Once you find an equally depraved partner, she will love you for who you are—morning boner and all.
If you think all this is just bullcrap, you can always follow the “be true to yourself” propaganda. You have my blessing. Oh, and guess what? You are also most likely to live a life of single blessedness. Good luck!
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM!