Facebook is full of girls who are malandi. I know, I know, that adjective stings. But kalandian is kalandian—let’s just call it as we see it.
It’s not like you don’t enjoy the flirty things you see on Facebook. Taken or not, every person born with a penis has a degree of kamanyakan to match the existing female kalandian. And chap, you’re no exception.
But that’s okay. You are not alone. With nearly all of us on Facebook, nobody is spared, not even me. If I have Facebook friends merrily sharing photos of their bikini-clad bodies, it’s not like I will turn away and pretend not to look.
The Seven Types of Malandi Online
Out of my indignation over how the kalandian of women has put my pristine conscience in danger, I made it a personal advocacy to study and classify the different types of malandi online. See if you’ve been victimized before by any—or all—of them.
1) The Repost Reyna
This woman’s kalandian is quite subtle. On Facebook, she will quietly repost sex-centric articles from various female-oriented sites across the Internet such as "8 Ways To Tell If Guys Are Checking Out Your Body" or "7 Techniques To Turn Him On In The Office." Sometimes, she goes as far as tagging her equally malanding friends.
You may be a simpleng manyak, but she’s a simpleng malandi. Just so I’m clear: If she starts tagging you as well, it’s a big, fat, “please ask me out” sign:
2) The Sexy Show-Off
A girl who perennially uploads photos that flaunt her cleavage is trying to do two things: brag about her gifted hinaharap and entice innocent men like us. She always goes to the beach, visits swimming pools in the metro, and schedules bikini photoshoots dutifully. Her philosophy in life: If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
Oh, and this is her favorite moment in game show history:
She will always whine about how men keep sending her indecent proposals online, but she secretly enjoys the attention. Be warned: She’ll just keep you around, stringing you along for her ego’s sake.
3) The Fan Girl
She’s your avid fan kuno, saying she knows what you do, whether you’re an artist, model, or wannabe astronaut. She will keep liking and commenting on your photos, making her claim a little more believable.
What you may not realize is that she’s secretly hoping you’d make the moves on her. And posting a photo on Facebook of you with another girl will turn her into a venomous, spiteful stalker who will make your life a living hell. Here's phase one of that fangirl-to-stalker transformation:
4) The Gimikera Ghoul
A look at this malandi’s photo stream will likely give you tons of snaps of her dancing in a bar. Or drinking in a bar. Or doing some other “I’m so the party girl” thing in a bar.
And this was her mom back in the '70s:
Her Facebook timeline is littered with product placements of alcohol, tobacco, and party venues. She will say on Facebook, “See you later at Prive!” as if everybody else on her friends’ list is going. She’s alive at night when out partying, but she’s a ghost in the morning while her alcohol-saturated liver tries not to die as she sleeps.
5) The KSP Kikay
Whether it’s about needing help that involves your expertise or some random need for male attention, she knows exactly how to manipulate you—the same way a cute kitten can make you go awww:
You will probably be hypnotized by her signature “Hihihi!” and her clingy, quasi-jejemon lingo. You find yourself replying to all her Facebook crowdsourcing queries. It all boils down to your desire to always be a knight in shining armor, even if it means you’re the poor animal who will get played.
6) The Passive-Aggressive Princess
This type of malandi knows how to make you stay up all night. She will make you ask yourself questions like, “Was her post about me?” or “Is she trying to say she likes me?”
On the other hand, her favorite question is rhetorical: “Why should I risk rejection if I can flirt without getting hurt? Making parinig is her weapon of choice. Confront her about her status update and she’ll deny it’s about you. You, on the other hand, will assume she’s lying. Already, her ploy is working.
She has the tendency to irregularly swing from "Blank Space Taylor Swift" to this kind of Taylor in a jiffy:
7) The Close Friend Na Feeling Girlfriend
Ever met someone who’s always there for you, a friend you think secretly wants to bang you but doesn’t want to risk getting jilted? If you have this type of malandi as your Facebook friend, be afraid. Be very afraid.
She will stalk you under the guise of being a dependable buddy. To her, knowledge is power. She’s already on your good side, so you won’t know what hits you the moment she uses everything she knows about you to snag you. Before you know it, you’re–gasp!–in a relationship! A relationship you're not sure you even wanted.
BUT at least you won't have this problem:
Kalandian will always be a part of life. Even demographics support the need for it—after all, the ratio of men to women is 1:4.
Besides, it’s something we can’t always control. Even though I don’t always accept friend requests from random girls I’ve never met before, it’s not like I can stop them from saving my photos to their porn stash, can I?
There’s nothing much to do, even if I’m horribly insulted by how they objectify my body. One thing I can do is remember these types of malandi—that way, I know who’s coming next to get me. Good luck sa ating mga pogi!
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram (@supladotips) and Twitter (@stanleychi)!