Valentine’s? Pfft. Let me put a spin on some familiar crap people usually say: Wake me up when February ends.
It’s that time of the year again when single men like us are forced to get ourselves a date and put our best foot forward. Once again, we have to try to act like a gentleman, which, if you think about it, is pretty much like trying to predict the future. What will she do next that will require my assistance?
If we fail to cover up our dumbassery, a bout of name-calling awaits us. Forget to pull back a chair for her or carry her heavy bag (Did she chop her last date into pieces and put him in there?!) and overnight you are labeled an ass, a jerk, or a good ol’ fashioned gago.
It’s tough being a single man on Valentine’s Day trying to impress a girl, especially if she thinks she’s better than you. Here’s some real talk: If we try to be someone we’re not, people will say we are fakes trying to dupe innocent women.
Yet if we try to be ourselves, they’ll think we’re disgusting animals na walang ka-breeding-breeding. While on a date, have you ever tried picking your nose and farting the way you usually do when you’re alone and “being yourself”? Well, if you do exactly that on your Valentine’s date, you might as well consider yourself excommunicated from the communist female republic. Oh, yeah, you will also be banished from her Facebook and Instagram.
The dumbasses that we are, despite all the grueling judgment and mockery we have to endure on Valentine’s, we still give it a go. We buy overpriced flowers which have a lifespan of about three days. We buy chocolates with silly hearts and pink effin’ whatevers on them. Because, yeah, whatever we spent on them last Christmas—which broke our budget, might I add—wasn’t enough, apparently.
And, as if to add insult to injury, we have to carry all that stuff around while they parade us like puppies on Valentine’s!
That. Is. If. You. Have. A. Date.
7 Girls You Have To Avoid On Valentine's
If you have to be part of the cruelest celebration of the year, try not to hurt yourself. Don’t settle for any of these types of girls. Bro, I’m telling you, it’s not worth it.
1) The Ungrateful Emo
Imagine being with a girl who’s depressed all the time. Show her a photo of a cute puppy and she’ll tell you how we’re making toys out of intelligent creatures. She’ll turn any good news into bad news—it’s her “talent”.
This girl is toxic; not exactly the date you want on Valentine’s.
Well, at least she looks bad-ass
2) The Desperada
She’s in her mid-30s and she looks normal at first glance. Soon enough, you will discover that she expects you to propose after the first date! This overeager woman won’t tire of dropping hints about marriage. She’ll probably introduce you to her friends as her “future fiancé” for good measure.
And if you’re too slow to get it? She’ll buy the ring that you’re supposed to give her. Congrats, bro, you’re about to get married to the most desperate woman ever!
3) Ms. Passive-Aggressive
Yeah, she’ll smile during your date. But wait until she goes online. She will tell everyone via social media parinig that you’re the world’s worst cheapskate. It’s not like you can confront her about it. She can deny it’s about you. Next thing you know, she’s posting a meme that says, “Not everything I post is about you.” Figures.
If she really hates you, she might even create a Wattpad account and write about the juicy details of your being a big fat fail. God forbid that her story turns into a bestselling book, complete with a movie adaptation starring James Reid and Nadine Lustre!
If you're an optimist, at least in your autobiographical movie you looked like James Reid.
4) The Bossy Bitch
Forget about your Engineering degree. She will make you her personal alalay, atsay, driver, confidant, and sex slave. Whenever she calls or texts, it’s always about her wanting you to do something for her. Buti sana kung sinuswelduhan ka niya.
Or buti sana kung si Jennifer Aniston siya:
If you spend for her all the time, try giving her an actual butler. Saves you the trouble of multitasking, if you ask me. Basta, when it’s time for you to fulfill your sex slave duties, make sure to bring her “foods.”
5) The Rich Matapobre
To her, eating street food is “ew” and going to pang-masa malls is “whatevs.” Her favorite topic: Why expensive fashion brands are the only way to go and why some women (not her, of course) just don’t deserve to wear them.
Expect that she will judge you and your wallet na walang laman. She will judge how you talk, walk, eat, and post online. Just because you don’t have a car, she will think you’re jologs in need of a major makeover. Tengene leng.
Stop being mean to us, Regina George!
6) The Malanding Higad
This is when I can say this without even being political: Hindi ka nag-iisa. Actually, marami kayo.
If she starts telling you that she has to leave early during your Valentine’s date, it’s because she double-booked...the entire varsity squad.
Can you imagine momoling her? It’s like momoling all her boy toys, too. Excuse me, I need a few minutes with my mouthwash.
7) The Sneaky Stalker
Before being flattered by the fact that she has all your favorite movies memorized, find out if she’s memorized all your Facebook posts, too. If she does, she’s probably been stalking you since time immemorial.
As much as that does wonders for your ego, if I were you, I wouldn’t be too happy about it. Dating a creep is dating a creep. If it goes nowhere, that’s not surprising. If it does, yuck.
Unless of course, the sneaky stalker happens to be Misao from Samurai X!
I have guy friends who still weep in the corner of their bedrooms, trying to figure out what they’ve done to deserve such severe punishment from the Big Guy Upstairs after dating these women. I hope you don’t join their ranks this Valentine’s.
Besides, if you don’t find a date, you can always stay home, save money, and be single for the rest of your life. Enjoy laughing at Facebook pictures of other guys carrying flowers and chocolates, being paraded like puppies on Valentine’s. Given the alternative, it just might be worth it.
About the author: Stanley Chi penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, and the National Bookstore bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and brand ambassador. Follow him on Instagram (@supladotips), Twitter (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his blog!