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FHM Presents: Porn Vs. Real Life

We've figured out why you never seem to get it on with a Tori Black of your own!
by mich r. lagdameo | Jun 9, 2014
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The tibaks call it exploitation of women, the Church says it’s a sin, and our girlfriends say it’s a waste of time. Whatever they say, porn is what it is and we’re not about to stop…err, enjoying it.

Here, a comparative analysis that proves we know exactly what those negatrons mean when they say porn is nothing like real life.

But hey, it’s not stopping us from wishing it somehow could be…


WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH...

Porn: The Amazing Monster Penis

The myth of the Large Penis Makes a Better Lover was born in many porn sets, where men swung around sausage-y erections, thrusting them into welcoming holes of happiness. It’s pretty obvious that male porn stars are picked for their penis’s camera-worthiness.

While there is no data on porn stars’ average penile size, one of the most famous porn stars of the ’70s, John Holmes, reportedly had his insured for $14 million—as he said, $1M for every inch.

Real Life: Asian be packing…not much

It’s unlikely that there's an insurance policy that will cover that average-sized appendage between your legs. But here, in a great fit of pampalubag-loob, is something women actually do believe: it’s not the size; it’s how you use it. Also, penis length, girth, and curvature are all matters of personal preference, if we take our Master Debaters Abby and Jahziel's word for it.

But if it helps, we’re told man-scaping your area a bit gives an illusion of largeness. You know, so it kind of doesn’t look like a scared (and ugly) little bunny hiding in the thick grass. Oh, and for God’s sake, wash up a bit—she’s not touching that if it smells like the confines of a jam-packed MRT in the evening rush hour—even if you’re hung like a donkey.

Continue reading below ↓


WHO YOU'RE WORKING ON...

Porn: "Nikki"

Big surprise: The average porn star is not a buxom blonde with a vague Eastern European accent.

One Internet scribe, Jon Millward, who calls himself an “ideas detective,” set out to study 10,000 porn stars’ demographic profiles and filmography culled from the Internet Adult Film Database (this one also a pet project by one Dutchman going as far back as 1981) and found that the usual peg for porn is brunette, of average height, and (gasp!) only a very believable B-cup—talk about a girlfriend experience. His stats also show that 43 percent of them have a tattoo or piercing, and that at least once, 87 percent of them have given a “facial” the go signal and 62 percent have proffered their bums for a spot of anal sex.

And the most popular name in porn? (Sorry, Sasha and Sunny).


Real Life: The Real Nikki

In your ever-loyal opinion, your wife/girlfriend/casual friend is your personal porn star, but what are the odds that she’s going to let you jizz all over her face or let you use the backdoor? That she’s perfectly groomed and waxed in all places at all times? That she has an intriguingly placed tat for you to discover when she’s in the buff? But hey, she’s real and right in front of you, so magrereklamo ka pa ba? 


NEXT: Threesome
s!

From FHM's May 2014 issue

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