They say bachelors like me are pretty much like real estate: Tulad ng lupa, our value just keeps increasing. Of course, that doesn’t apply if you’re single not because you choose to be, but because amoy-lupa ka.
If you’re still single, you’re probably still venerating sexy stars in porn videos instead of mingling with women in real life. In fact, you might have at least one of these sexual fantasies, which you have probably included in your bucket list. #Ambisyoso
Thinking big is one thing. Having delusions about your sex life is another. Still, that doesn’t discourage us from wishful thinking. How many of the fantasies below do you still hope would come true?
1) BEING IN A THREESOME
Whoever said three's a company surely wasn't thinking of the ménage à trois. It's definitely the stuff that wet dreams are made of—but that’s not saying it will happen. Usually, hanggang pangarap lang 'yan.
Of course, it’s not necessarily a bad thing that it remains a fantasy instead of becoming a reality. Embarrassing yourself in front of one woman is enough. Tapos, ngayon, gusto mo dalawa? You must like inflicting pain on yourself which, by the way, makes you a perfect specimen for the next fantasy.
2) MAKING LOVE CHRISTIAN GREY STYLE
Kasalanan ito ng Fifty Shades of Grey. Because of the phenomenal book and movie, guys think it’s cool to put a leash on a woman and whip her silly.
Well, here's the thing: Not every woman gets off on getting hurt. Don't fret; Grey's sexiness might still rub off on you when you repeat his famous farewell: "Laters, baby."
You seriously don't think you look like this dude.
3) HAVING A NINE-INCH PENIS
Most geeks learn about the birds and the bees via the Internet. No wonder they also idolize "online stars" such as Ron Jeremy, who happens to have one of the biggest dicks in the porn industry.
But keep your envy in check. Chances are, there is no psychologically healthy way for you to change the size of your bututoy. Be happy with what you have—huwag ka nang mangarap. Learn how to use yours the way it is so that you're ready if and when the opportune moment does come.
4) MAKING LOVE TO A YOUNGER WOMAN WHO IS HALF YOUR AGE
You want someone who’s barely legal? Maybe it’s because you want to be young by association. Maybe it’s almost like wanting something new and shiny. Maybe it helps boost your ego, knowing you scored well in a field meant to be played by younger, much buffer men.
Or maybe you just watch too much noontime TV and you hope to be like Vic Sotto. Whatever your reason, just make sure you’re not hooking up with a minor. Going to jail: not sexy.
Joey had an epiphany.
5) STARTING A FLING WITH A CELEBRITY
It’s a common fantasy for a good reason: We want what we can’t have. Of course, it comes with a slew of disadvantages, like looking like a kargador beside your celeb fling, what with the paparazzi taking way too many unflattering photos of you while your celeb date looks awesome in her airbrush makeup.
Fame isn’t for everyone. Before you hook up with someone popular, make sure you're built for the limelight. Once really nasty gossip spreads about you, baka biglang hindi ka na tayuan.
6) HAVING A ONE-NIGHT STAND
Like the eponymous title of my column, a one-night stand is definitely something worth longing for. It becomes even more special when you throw in not just a hot chick, but one you’ve just met.
It may sound like a dream come true if you sleep with a stranger, but the way I see it, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. Think about it. If sex with some stranger you meet is so great, won’t you want to sleep with her again? Too bad it’s just one night—hey, you get what you ask for.
7) BANGING THE BOSS
As much as this seems like an awesome fantasy, it’s not. Employees tend not to like their employers, no matter how hot they look.
If you have a female boss who’s both hot and nice, good for you! However, you’re still unlikely to hook up with her because hot, nice chicks tend to be in a relationship. Long story short: You end up with either a boss whom you want for yourself but can’t have, or one whose guts you hate. Notice how neither has a happy ending.
Especially if your boss looks like this...
Now, it makes sense why these are common fantasies and not real-life events that make our sex lives so much better. It’s okay if they remain your favorite fantasies, of course, as long as you don’t delude yourself into believing that you’ll be better off if they were to come true.
Yes, dear horny reader, go ahead and enrich your porn stash with clips of all these awesome scenarios you keep fantasizing about. But remember: They are fantasies for a reason. They probably won’t come true, kahit anong sulat mo sa Wish Ko Lang.
About the author: Stanley Chi is the reluctant pogi who penned the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, and the bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, One Night Stan, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian, host, and branding genius. Follow him on Twitter and Instagram (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM!