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FHM's Very, Very Accurate 2018 Sexual Horoscope

See if you'll be getting lucky this year
by Chise Alcantara | Jan 1, 2018
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You may not believe in fortune telling, but it couldn’t hurt to know certain things the universe might be telling you regarding what kind of action (if any) you’re going to get this year. You can’t be at least a bit curious now, so here’s a not-so-serious rundown on how to have a banging sex life by reading the signs.


Let bae take the wheel!

If you’re like most millennials, you might feel like you have no idea how to deal with the problems life is throwing at you. Maybe it’s better to admit to yourself that you have no idea what you’re doing and rely on your more responsible and capable lover. “If you have a reliable and loving partner, perhaps she will be a suitable candidate for this ‘guidance’ role. The horoscope predicts, however, that even lonely and introverted individuals will realize how useful it is to receive inspiration and support from outside.” Hey, maybe it’s even time to let her show you a thing or two in the bedroom.

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O tukso! Layuan mo ako!

Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you have to set your eyes on your real goals this year because according the stars, there will be a lot of temptations or “little passions” that might come your way and they can “easily get out of hand.” Resist all those eager fuck buddies that suddenly want you now because you have a girlfriend and it’ll be smooth sailing for you and your girl all-year round.


Settle down young blood

If you finally feel like you’re getting tired of the nightlife then maybe it’s fate telling you that you want “to slowly but permanently settle down or at least temporarily anchor in some quiet and safe harbour.” This year’s the time to drop the party hats and put on your big boy pants so you can find a girl willing to take them off for the rest of your life.

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Get out of the city and into the jungle

The world around you is telling you to get out there. “If it’s stifling at home, go outside for a walk and simply let the oppressive thoughts be blown away.” Get some fresh air and get your kink on outdoors.


Hook up with a stranger!

The dynamics of destiny are finally bringing you together with your soulmate so you better hook up with them! “Now comes a year when you will be more interested in listening to others and willing to know more about their different life stories. This way you will discover new and previously unimagined vistas—in the sorrows and delights of those who you have only been passing earlier.” Be careful though, because a lot of heartbreaks come with these chanced meetings.


Get artsy with an aesthetic chick

Let the creative juices flow and get in touch with your sensitive side because you’re destined to meet at least one fine, fine arts person in the next 365 days. “Virgo should try to develop the qualities and talents that are related to beauty, art, and aesthetics.” Better work on those (paint brush) strokes to fully stimulate her senses.

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The threads of tadhana are telling you to channel your tito-ness to the highest level this year. Your younger self might have dreamed of traveling the world and picking-up women at a pub in Slovakia but these days “you already know that one such weekend would be more enough… and then the never ending boredom and despair would certainly come [if you keep at this pace].” Yeah, your tito ass will probably find it too much of a hassle to even get out of your apartment so why not just stay at home and cuddle with your bae and watch the fireworks fly from the comfort of your bed.


Humanap ka ng ‘pweds’ at ibig mong tunay

Holding off for a supermodel wife isn’t working out for you is it? “The Scorpio is a realist. You will grasp an opportunity immediately as soon as you notice it.” So stop living in your delusions and sending us disturbing sexual proposals and tiny dick pics because they will never reach Kim Domingo. She doesn’t even work at our office!

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Yes, sir!

Let out all your inhibitions this year and control the bedroom. “The ingredients are simple: just a pinch of courage, a handful of self-confidence, but also a large portion of modesty. And the ability to say “no” at the right moment.” Your girl will definitely appreciate you taking command (depending on her mood and situation and all that important stuff).


An off color year

Now, this isn’t a free pass to act like a douche, but maybe you can be a little frisky with your moves this year because the constellations are saying that it might workout for you. “Whether they are your political views, sexual fantasies, or inappropriate jokes that you like telling to make others mad—the horoscope predicts that all this will be accepted and create understanding among the loved ones.” The lesson here: don’t be a dick.


Good boy year

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Even the universe is telling you to quit acting like you've got a sugar daddy bank account. Just because you got your 13th month pay doesn’t mean you’re entitled to the VIP service double deluxe at your favorite “spa.”


Baby, you’re a firework

This is the year to go YOLO. Get busy like there’s no tomorrow because you won’t get to live like this forever. “Pisces are able to perceive the uniqueness of fleeting moments.” There won’t be any strings attached in your destiny. Hooray!


Astrological predictions are from

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