People think it’s awesome when you have lots of admirers. Little do they know that it can get annoying (and scary) real quick.
Imagine if a girl had the hots for you. Imagine that she was pretty. Iniisip mo, naka-jackpot ka. Imagine as well that to get your attention, she would send you little gifts every day. Today, it’s pasa load. Tomorrow, it’s her entire family, whom she brought all the way to your house just so she could introduce you as her—gulp—fiancé.
If she happens to have a gun-toting father, good luck—and congrats on your future shotgun wedding!
Dealing with stalkers and persistent admirers can be tricky. You don’t want to hurt their feelings and even if you tried to, turning them off might not work. To them, a "no" is a "yes." "Later" is "now." “I don’t like you” is “I’m playing hard to get so that you will pursue me more.”
So let me present this helpful article to you, which I call:
What NOT To Do With Your Date (Unless You're Trying To Get Rid Of Her)!
You may think that learning skills to snag a date and win over the girl of your dreams is great. But I’m telling you, my dearest "One Night Stan" readers, you really should learn effective methods of turning off women as well. You will never know when these will come in handy.
1) BRING OUT THE PRIMA DONNA IN YOU
Be an hour late, maybe two. Make a fuss. Be difficult. Demand the impossible.
Extra turn-off tip: Ask her to come fetch you on your date…and make sure you only start getting dressed after she arrives.
'Yung tipong pati si Nicki Minaj
mapapapalakpak na lang sa'yo.
2) BE A KILLJOY KURIPOT
Why make reservations at an expensive restaurant when you can eat at the food court?
Extra turn-off tip: Ask her to dress fancy—tell her you’re bringing her somewhere extravagant. Make a beeline for the restaurant with the most ridiculously-priced food...then say, “How does it feel to be given the rare privilege of treating me to dinner? You lucky, lucky girl.”
3) TALK ABOUT YOUR OVERFLOWING GREATNESS
They say there’s no place for kayabangan, but I think that whoever said that has not had the misfortune of having stalkers.
Extra turn-off tip: Tell her about how great you are. Tell her how you’re surrounded by many crazy b*tches who are itching to take you to dinner, and that they’re all ugly.
Extra turn-off tip No. 2: Raise your hand in victory as you approach her on a date, as if to declare, "I am the greatest, babe. I will show this to you by raising my fist!"
4) OGLE EVERY GIRL WHO PASSES BY
There’s nothing more off-putting for a girl than a guy who likes every other woman except her. Stare all you want at every sexy lady who walks past you—you’re just enjoying the view, right?
Extra turn-off tip: Give her a running commentary about what’s hot about this girl or that girl...and compare their much better “assets” with hers.
5) BE A JEJ (JEJEMON)
Ask your father if you can borrow his high-waisted, acid-wash jeans and pair it with your loosest t-shirt, which you should tuck in, of course. And when you order pizza, make sure you pronounce it as “pitcha.”
Extra turn-off tip: When texting her, make sure you forget all your vowels: “Ppnta nq jn, w8 lng p.” But if you absolutely have to use one vowel, let it be "e"…as long as you use it with the letter "j": “Jejejeje!”
6) BE GROSS
They say men are naturally gross. Why prove them wrong?
Don’t cover your mouth when you cough. When you sneeze, sneeze at her. Eat noisily, call the waiter like an abrasive drunk in a beerhouse, and for goodness sake, put your feet up on the table.
If she goes like this, you're doing it right.
Extra turn-off tip: Don’t forget your most valuable resource: your nose. Pick it like you’re looking for gold…and with a smile, flick your booger off your finger in her direction.
7) MAKE IT ALL ABOUT MONEY
Stop labeling women as gold diggers! After all, us gwapos can be gold diggers, too.
Tell her how important money is to you. Preach to her about how money makes the world go round. Explain how everyone has a price, including yourself.
Basically, be a rapper.
Extra turn-off tip: Make sure it’s clear that once she becomes your girlfriend, you’re not exactly demanding. All you’ll need is a contract saying she needs to give you half her monthly salary, plus tax. #Goals
I know it seems heartless to behave this bad while in the company of your date, but take this as a learning opportunity. After all, these are things you also shouldn’t do if you actually like the person you’re on a date with!
Besides, of these seven turn-off dating moves, chances are there’s at least one that you’re guilty of doing. The next time a girl doesn’t text you back after a date, go through this list and you just might understand why.
And don’t you dare tell me you’re incapable of even thinking these horrific acts. If you know how to be a gentleman, then you know how not to be one! #SurvivalOfThePogiest
About the author: Stanley Chi is every man’s man. He wrote the books Suplado Tips, Pogi Points, Chicken Mami for the Sawi, and the bestseller Men Are From QC, Women Are From Alabang. His most recent book, One Night Stan, is now available in bookstores nationwide. Stanley is also a comedian-host and social media genius with a weekly Facebook reach of four million (advertisers, pay attention). Follow him on Twitter and Instagram (@stanleychi), or subscribe to his column here on FHM!