Since movie awards season is officially in top gear, it only seems right that we dole out a few recognitions of our own. After insurmountable hours of binge-watching, popcorn munching, and thoroughly researching, debating, and discussing (meaning screaming our unwanted opinions over too many buckets of cold beer), we’ve come up with the FHM Movie Awards!
With the Golden Globes wrapped and Oscar-buzz quickly conquering the Internet, it’s time to shed light on the films that deserve praise for cinematic achievements in sexiness and manliness!
And the FHM Movie Award goes to…
Best Fight Scene: Batista Versus Daniel Craig in Spectre
Nothing makes James Bond piss out all those martinis like a former professional wrestler on a mission to kill. The train scene in the latest 007 outing is a mighty display of Batista’s physical prowess. His capacity to crush Craig is so palpable that, for a minute there, you start wishing he actually gets the job done.
Hottest Sex Scene: Keanu Reeves, Lorenza Izzo, and Ana de Armas in Knock Knock
Granted, director Eli Roth’s attempt at using the shock-thriller genre as a subversion of feminist ideals was a bunch of bull-crap, we can thank him for the wild threesome that features two of his favorite muses and one lucky Keanu Reeves. It’s all limbs and flesh and sweat and saliva—just the way a ménage à trois is supposed to be.
Hottest Sex Scene That Turned Into A Fight Scene: Emily Blunt and Jon Bernthal in Sicario
Since Emily Blunt was blatantly snubbed at the Oscars for her compelling role as a rookie FBI agent thrust into the dangerous world of the Mexican drug cartel, it only seemed appropriate to applaud her for her other efforts in the film—bringing home some ass then kicking ass right after. Granted, she does get a little help from a trigger-happy Benicio del Toro.
Lustiest Lesbian Love Affair: Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara in Carol
There’s an understated quality to the brooding affair between New Jersey housewife Carol (Blanchett) and meek saleslady Therese (Mara) in this classic tale of a love that was ahead of its time. When the two women finally get the chance to express their physical adoration for one another, it’s nuanced, romantic, and oh so fucking sexy.
Most Hilarious Body Bumping Sesh: Amy Schumer and John Cena in Trainwreck
In this LOL-inducer, sexual intercourse with John Cena’s CrossFit-obsessed character is described as “like having sex with an ice sculpture.” Schumer, splayed like a starfish being pounded by pure muscle, is titillating for the funny bone. Let’s not even get started on the gym parlance used as dirty talk…
Most Seductive Non-Human Role: Alicia Vikander in Ex Machina
Disturbing as it sounds, if all future robots looked like Ava from Ex Machina, you’d probably be dying to stick your USB in her port.
Craziest Car Chase: Mad Max: Fury Road
The heat of the desert burns your skin. You can taste the saltiness of the characters’ sweat. Your eyes wince as if sand is rushing across your face when Max, Furiosa, and the Five Wives try to escape the evil clutches of Immortan Joe. Since the entire film was one hellishly entertaining car chase that piled climax upon climax, George Miller’s speed demon outruns any other movie involving fast-moving vehicles.
Most Realistic Fight with the BAE: John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo in A Second Chance
Admit it, you were just as excited as your girlfriend to see Popoy and Basha rip each other’s throats out in the name of love. You might’ve had an argument (or three) right after, too. Don’t worry, man! The sprawling negativities of marriage that the movie portrayed were so real that couples left the theater questioning their own relationship. #goals
Best Ensemble Cast (of Hotties): Mad Max: Fury Road
Charlize Theron’s Furiosa and the Five Wives—a collection of today’s most pants-tightening ingénues—made staying along for the wild ride more than worth it!
Epic AF Movie of the Year: Heneral Luna
Combining history, great cinematography, fine acting, and a little molding of the truth, director Jerrold Tarog was able to penetrate the Pinoy pop culture stratosphere with his genre-bending biopic. Its potent mix of humor, action, and themes grounded on nationalism resonated with moviegoers and critics alike. It’s a local product that proves that there’s still hope in the art of Philippine filmmaking.
Most Badass Baldy Role: John Lloyd Cruz in Honor Thy Father
Although this category could’ve easily been lorded over by Charlize Theron’s Furiosa in Mad Max: Fury Road, JLC’s turn as a father cornered back into a life of crime in direk Erik Matti’s now-controversial MMFF entry was bad to the bone—and we mean that only in the best way possible.
Sickest Sports Movie Comeback: Sylvester Stallone in Creed
Despite a stellar breakthrough performance from Michael B. Jordan as the title character, it was Sly’s career-awakening reprisal of Rocky Balboa that imbued the boxing flick with tons of heart. Now, he can bid farewell to all those so-bad-it’s-good geriatric action flicks he’s turned into a cottage industry.
Best Supporting Beard: Leonardo DiCaprio’s Scruffy Face Pubes in The Revenant
Don’t let anyone fool you! The best actor in this savage tale of man against wilderness isn’t Leo, neither is it the bear he gets into a scrimmage with—it’s that scraggly bush of man-hair covering his Victoria’s-Secret-model-secret-weapon of a face. Now that’s acting at its finest.