When the wise James Ingram sang, “There’s no easy way to break somebody’s heart,” he was not kidding. But when the mere mention of her name pisses you off, and all the sex you get is make-up sex, two words for you, bro: It’s time! Mutual breakups? Bullshit. That never happens. Someone always “suggests” it first.
Breakups are always sad, but they need to be done. Here are 13 tips on doing it as clean and civil as possible, like a gentleman would.
1. Are you sure?
Before calling it quits, drop hints that you’re not that happy anymore. Have “The Talk” every time you feel it or ask questions that imply an impending break-up. Don’t spend as much time together. Avoid romantic dates and big spending— this will give her mixed signals.
2. You tell her first.
Skip surveying the boys about this. What if they love or hate her to bits? It’s all you, brother. Yes, you might still love her nut not in-love with her anymore. You don’t need anyone to tell you that. Tell her. She deserves your honesty. Man up!
3. Timing is everything.
While there’s never a perfect time to dump someone, some times are worse than others. Avoid doing it before major holidays like Valentine’s, your anniversary, Christmas, any of your birthdays; she might think you’re just plain insensitive or cheap to buy her a gift. Be sensitive enough, too, to not do it before her final exams, big presentation, or before her Mom undergoes chemotherapy. If such things are going on, maybe you need to keep it a little longer, take deeper breaths, or divert your attention first.
4. Don't do it in public!
Never dump her in public because, trust us, there will be a scene. Do it on her turf and make sure no one (not even the maid) is around. Breaking up in her house relieves you of the ride going home or her killing herself while driving home. She’ll need her own pillow to cry on when you leave.
IMAGES: 500 Days of Summer, The Break Up, Friend With Benefits, Say Anything, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, High Fidelity