Sorry guys—your manyak moves are so 2015 (or maybe even older).
We’re pretty tired of pretending we women don’t know your best boso plan of attack, so please, if your pa-sneaky tricks are on this list let’s aim for something a little more creative for 2015, shall we? Or if you’re working really hard on your resolutions, how about cutting the crap all together and being a little more straightforward. Stare if you must—who knows, we might find you intriguing enough to actually make the first move (or not—sorry not sorry!).
And if you're still playing dumb about the whole thing, please, stop it already. Yes, we know you do certain things to satisfy your perversion. Yes, we know you're all creepy. We know so much about your creepiness that we can explain each of your manyak moves to you.
Did we just hear "Weh, di nga?" Well, you asked for it...
1) The Digital Stalker
Manyak M.O.: After a casual hi-hello at a mutual friend’s party, our asses are barely out the door when we get the trifecta of follower requests: Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. You must have found us really good-looking, because we sure as heck know if our IG posts or FB albums were public you’d already be scrolling through them and, um, admiring our OOTDs (plus screen-capping them and uploading them to your barkada’s Viber private group with missives like “Pards, bagong GF ko. Ha ha ha”).
Extra buking if we’re not even tagged on the same photo together.
2) The Casually Lumilingon
Manyak M.O.: The office—a prime spot to spot chicks in their cute corporate attire. Should a hottie be in your direct path and she’s too far away to see with your freaky darting eyes, you cop a couple casual glances in her direction.
Sure, that we don’t mind.
But what makes us really laugh is the extra pa-simple look away in the other direction just as we’re about to pass you by—guaranteeing you full, unobstructed view of our backsides and an extra five seconds staring time (ugh, we can totally feel your eyes boring into our backs).
3) The Ray-Ban Fan
Manyak M.O.: You think you’re really clever wearing dark shades on the beach because, well, it’s really sunny out?
We know you care less about protecting your eyesight than about procuring yourself some hot piece of eye candy. We think it’s the more-than-three-second glance in our direction that gives you away. No, it must be the fact that there are three of you, all in dark shades, whispering while glancing our way.
Or the drool forming on the corners of your half-open mouth—that we can see, even if we can’t see your roving eyes.
4) The Generous-Sa-Gasolina Guy
Manyak M.O.: Dude, we drive too—we know how much gas costs these days. And thanks to some modicum of street smarts and in large part to Waze, we know that Antipolo is nowhere along the way to Alabang if we’re coming from Fort (where you’re presumably offering to take us home from after our party).
While it’s kinda flattering that you want alone time with us (though we already feel like a hot mess after a long night out) it’s pretty freaky if it’s just us two. Offer to drop off our friends too and maybe we won’t see through your flirty intentions.
5) The Touchy-Feely Feeling-Close Friend
Manyak M.O.: “Ha ha! Benta ka talaga!” Lightly punches our shoulder.
“Uy, long time no see!” Casually throws arm over our shoulder.
“Uy, compare tayo hands.” (Note: Ano tayo, high school?) Presses our palms against his.
“Alalayan na kita.” Puts hand on arm or small of back—even though we’re not tipsy or navigating uneven flooring.
Get your grubby paws off us, mister. If we want to feel your touch, you can be sure we’d be touching you first. “Have you been working out?” Lightly squeezes your bicep.
6) The Sorry, I’m Drunk Dude
Manyak M.O.: Girls get a little crazy after a few shots too—that’s how late-night hookups happen, kids—but we find it extra entertaining when we know you’re not even half as drunk as you’re pretending to be. Brushing up against us, being more brazen with your flirty hirits, getting extra touchy (see: The Touchy-Feely Feeling-Close Friend) are all basic variations you feel are permissible under the “Sorry, lasing na ako nun eh” free pass you think you got after two shots. Come on, we like to think you can hold your liquor better.
A hooking-up tip: Girls love going for the last sober guy in the room. Less chance of getting puked on, at the very least.
7) The Siksik Mo Pa More
Manyak M.O.: Sure, in the hellhole that is the MRT during rush hour, we’re used to getting inadvertently grabbed or touched (oh the joys of the daily commute!).
You think we’re probably already too jaded or tired from a long day’s work to notice you still trying to force your way into a packed car just so you can reduce our personal space to -7 inches, but sorry guys, we know exactly what you’re up to.
You think breathing in the general vicinity of your kili-kili will turn us on enough to smile at you? How many successful dates have come from getting smooshed against a random stranger in the MRT? That’s right, approximately zero. Ditto for elevators. Wait for the next car—we’d love you more for giving us two centimeters of extra space.