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8 Things You Need To Be An Expert Jaywalker

For anyone who's born with the talent (and stubbornness) for jaywalking, here's a list of things you need to stay alive.
by Gelo Gonzales | Apr 16, 2015
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Jaywalking can kill people. Yet people still do it. That's because people are lazy. They see an intimidating flight of stairs with a look of sheer disdain. They see cars whizzing by at 80 kph on the highway—the only things separating them from that store on the other side—and they see an opportunity.

An opportunity to save time and energy, and an application of the old geometry rule that says that the quickest route from point A to point B is a straight line. Foot bridges are just too much trouble, dammit. 

So jaywalking is not always good for you, but sometimes you choose to do it. So, if you're looking to continue your dangerous ways, you can at least be a little good at it. Below are eight things you'll need to be a good jaywalker!

Laces that don't get untied easily

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What's an even worse idea than crossing an expressway? Tying your shoe laces in the middle of said expressway. Keep those laces tight!

Reliable depth perception

You need to be able to accurately tell the speed of the incoming cars, and their distance with just a quick glance. Otherwise, you're treading a one-way street to SMASHVILLE:

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A certain "Fuck-The-Government" attitude

Fuck the authorities with all their signs, trying to scare us off. We ain't scared of no darned speeding car.

An almost irrational level of fearlessness

Translation: You're unable to tell the difference between an 18-wheeler truck barreling down the highway at 100 kph and a fuzzy rabbit.

Unless it's this rabbit we're talking about:

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An inability to assess risk/reward outcomes properly

"Mas okay ng masagasaan, kaysa mapawisan sa pag-akyat sa foot bridge" has always been one of your most solid justifications.

Good cardio 

Here's something we can replicate from Forrest Gump: Run! When you see all those cars rampaging down the street, just run and hope for the best!

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Agility training and parkour skills, a bonus

Sometimes when you simply must stop running, your ability to change directions and avoid those cars counts! When you're about to get hit, simply vault over that car.

An excellent lawyer

When all else fails, do what every American does nowadays: Sue! (Of course, you'd have to survive the initial impact first.)

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Or you know, you could just do it like The Beatles did:

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