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Aug 25, 2011
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If Pixar and their 2006 animated feature Cars are to be believed, cars aren’t just steel contraptions designed to take us places. They’re sentient beings who can talk, and can also sometimes teach us the valuable lesson that life isn’t all about winning races…even if you’re actually a race car.


The film’s sequel Cars 2 crashes this week in cinemas, and sees the return of Lightning Mcqueen (the aforementioned race car, who is voiced by Owen Wilson) and his best friend, Mater (everyone’s favorite redneck tow truck voiced by Larry the Cable Guy) as they embark on a trip to the World Grand Prix, but instead find themselves entangled in a web of international espionage.

And it’s when cars get involved in things other than racing and the business of taking-us-places that things really open up for automotive hilarity, and maybe a lesson or two. So in light of the film’s release, we conjure a scenario: what if cars could feel and talk in real life, and react?

Imagine yourself as a bad driver (if you aren’t already), and your car as a miserly whiner who’s learned to hate you because of your driving habits. These might just be the things he’d like to give you an earful of.


1) “Baka naman puwedeng mag-kape muna ako.”
Ok, we understand. The alarm didn’t go off and now you’re running late for work…again. And your car’s going to suffer for it. At least let it enjoy the tickle of the key being inserted into its ignition panel. Ever heard of warming up? It’s so rude, the way you’re revving it up. It’s not like it’s the car’s fault you woke up late.

2) “Eh kung mukha mo kaya ang ihampas ko sa puwet ng iba?”
Jamming your car into every possible inch in bumper to bumper traffic won’t actually help you get to the office in time. All that stopping and going can’t be good for your car. Plus, you’re making it look like your car wants to kiss the bumper of the car ahead of it. Give it some dignity, man.

3) “Hindi po ako Ferrari. Gumising ka, nananaginip ka pa yata.”
Okay you’ve managed to find a clean stretch of road, and you’re trying to make up for lost time. You put the pedal to the metal as you snake your way in and out of the cars cruising along. You might fancy yourself as a race driver in situations such as this, but that little jalopnik of yours isn’t made to handle your Schumacher-isms on a daily basis. You’re whipping the horse too damn hard.  

4) “Wala bang shade?”
Finally, you’re on the parking lot. Unfortunately, for your car, the parking lot’s simply an open field with only some trees here and there. Yes you can say your car’s asking too much when it asks for a little shade. But with the way you treated it, finding a place where his dashboard won’t be melted by the sun is just reward.

5) “May alam akong carwash.”
You know what else is just reward? Giving your vroom a trip to that place where they clean cars. This will help make your car look more like a car rather than a sad victim of aspiring abstract mud painters.

6) “May alam din akong motel, malapit lang.”
If you absolutely have to do it in the backseat, then don’t leave stains on the leather. For the benefit of future passengers as well!

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WORDS BY: GELO GONZALES
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