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Nov 29, 2014
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On November 27, 2014, TopGear.com.ph reported the brutal mauling of an MMDA officer by the name of Jorvy Adriatico. The assailant: the driver of a blue Maserati sports car whose price tag probably ranges from "exorbitantly expensive" to "mucho dinero." Probably more.

The car didn't have a license plate. So good guy traffic constable Adriatico proceeded to take a video of the car. The Maserati driver, later purported to be one Joseph Russel Ingcoa businessman who recycles bottles for San Miguel Corporationwasn't pleased. He stopped the car, called Adriatico over and went on to do the following things: broke the poor traffic officer's nose, held on to him as the car sped along like a master pulling his dog, and stole the man's phone.

Simply put, the driver was a grade-A assholethe type of societal scum that does away with kindness the moment he accumulates a few riches. A doucheface who thinks that a shiny piece of stupid metal allows him to shit on other people and drive around without a license plate because he isn't driving an ordinary, workaday vehicle. Don't be like him, FHM Nation!

The incident, like the one that involved former MMDA bullier Robert Blair Carabuena, is road rage, pure and simple. Why are we so angry when in our car? We'll leave that for the road rage scientists to solve. What we do know is that we can give you tips on suppressing your inner Highway Hulk!

1)   Get enough sleep

More sleep equals a happier you. And if you're able to keep a generally happy outlook, you're less cranky and less prone to snapping at the slightest of provocations. Sleep well, and rest enough, and you'll be a chiller driver.

Don't be like this irresponsible kitty:

2)   Set-up a gameplan that will help you avoid high-stress traffic situations (aka don't be like Flea below)

Heavy traffic is one of the biggest causes of road violence. So analyze your driving schedule and habits. Is there a way for you to get to your destination that will help you avoid traffic? Considering this is the Philippines, that's nearly impossible. But if you can, try to drive during odd hours. Get up earlier than the rest of the morning crowd, or squeeze into those times in-between rush hours when heavy car flow subsides.

3)   Listen to the music that you like

Some say that you should listen to soft, classical music. But what if you don't like soft, classical music? You'll just get pissed even more. Instead, listen to your favorite tunes that you associate with the good times. Release the anger by headbanging to your favorite rock tune, keep the nerves steady with a little soul and jazz, or party up with the latest rave bangerswhatever your poison is, make sure you like it.


Throw away the ones you don't want:

4)   Why not take a break?

Yeah, yeah, we know you're in a hurry, and you're already late. But as with anythinga dreaded work task, a tough assignmentsometimes a little time to breathe is enough to keep you from completely bursting the thermometer. Stay calm like this funky honey:

5)   Don't take things personally; no one is out to get you

Got cut by another driver? Car in front of you driving erratically? Because the car is an inanimate object that can't communicate anything else aside from what you see, our immediate reaction is mostly along the lines of "Inaasar ata ako ng mokong na 'to eh!"

Most likely, he isn't. He's just another person just like you, experiencing the same sort of #ManilaRoadHassles on his way to his destination. Take a cue from Frozen and just let it go:

6)   In case of conflict, keep calm and keep your ego in check

Go to your happy place like Homer above. And if a driver incites you to make a scene out of an incident, it means that he's already snapped. Our advice: Be the better man. Be the master of your emotions, and remind yourself that if you snap back at him, the situation will only get worse before it gets better. Mapapagod ka lang. It's not worth it, man.

7)   Have an automatic "Anger Dispersal Protocol"

So, how exactly do you keep calm?

Staying chill is easier said than done, but it can be practiced. Think of a ritual that can allow you to zoom out of a shitty situation and see the bigger picture. It could be something as simple as closing your eyes, and counting from one to 10, or something as elaborate as Happy Gilmore's "Happy Place" method.

The thing is, you can condition a way for your body to trigger an emergency "anger dispersal protocol," should your rage be triggered. If it sounds crazy, maybe it is, but the craziest methods are sometimes the ones that work.

8)   Don't let the car be an extension of yourself

Whether you're driving an expensive sports car or an old but reliable sedan, remember that it's still just a hunk of metal with four rubber donuts for feet, and requires the use of the ancient remains of dead animals and plants to run. It's a tool and nothing else. Don't feel grand over it, and don't let it make you feel like you're free to punch someone else just because you're driving a certain kind of karwahe.


Got that, road maniacs? Take it easy, and avoid becoming the Internet's next Subject Of Anger And Condemnation.

Unless, of course, your driver is the devil himself. In that case, road rage away!