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Apr 13, 2017
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For those who aren’t as religious or spiritual as the rest of the country, Holy Week is usually reduced to killing time lounging around the humble abode, basking in the glory of having no work to worry about. Thank you, Jesus!

Cable TV and local channels are probably going to run their obligatory Lenten specials, which will mostly consist of 7th Heaven reruns, Bruce Almighty marathons, and showbiz celebs acting out cheesy, holier-than-thou dramas. To battle the overabundance of conservative entertainment about to bore your already-salty brains, FHM.com.ph has prepared a sinful list of blasphemous flicks that won’t have you gouging your eyes out this Holy Week break.

Say your prayers, gentlemen. Things are about to take a turn for the hellish.   

1) Antichrist

Director Lars Von Trier’s meditation on the trappings of marriage is an experimental descent into madness and mourning. Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg star as a couple dealing with the untimely death of their baby boy by holing up in a mysterious cabin in the woods. Horror tears their relationship apart when sinister, demonic forces penetrate the woman’s being, causing her to commit violent acts of rage against her husband. Graphic and unapologetic, some puke-worthy scenes include the clipping of a clitoris and blood ejaculating out of a penis. Ouch.

2) Possession

French beauty Isabelle Adjani delivers a career-defining performance in this psychological mind-fuck that’s bound to scare a husband or two. When Mark (Sam Neil), a professional spy who returns home from duty, discovers that his wife wants to divorce him, all hell breaks loose—literally. He follows her every move, and soon realizes that she’s been having an affair with a demonic monster living in an abandoned apartment. 

3) Noah

Although this is not the most inspired work of director Darren Aronofsky, it took some fun, creative liberties while interpreting the source material. In it, Noah (played by Russel Crowe) drinks a hallucinogenic potion for divine intervention, giant golem-like creatures help him build the ark, and towards the end of the movie, he evolves into a murderous maniac. The only saving grace of this confused retelling is a very hot Emma Watson.

4) Dogma

This irreverent fantasy comedy blends religious beliefs with toilet humor, albeit only in the most entertaining way possible. Real life BFFs Ben Affleck and Matt Damon play Bartleby and Loki, a pair of fallen angels banished from heaven and are looking for another way to reenter the pearly gates. What ensues is peak Kevin Smith hilarity, where all rules are thrown out the window, God is portrayed as a woman, and Jesus is fashioned into Buddy Christ, a stoner-friendly version of the Son of God.   

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5) Carrie

This Stephen King classic was adapted into a certified blood-fest by master director Brian De Palma. It stars Sissy Spacek as the titular telekinetic who tears her high school prom (and its bitchy attendees) apart after being humiliated with a tub of warm pig’s blood. One of the most spinetingling aspects of the film was Carrie’s psychotic mother (an outstanding Piper Laurie), whose sick religious beliefs fill the film with a looming sense of existential dread.

6) Monthy Python’s Life of Brian

What’s better than being Jesus? Being born in the stable right next to Jesus Christ himself, of course. In true Monthy Python style, the comedic geniuses whip up an epic adventure of biblical proportions involving deadly Romans, questionable morals, and a speech-challenged Pontius Pilate.

7) Seklusyon

Director Erik Matti’s award-winning MMFF 2016 entry takes a sharp and scathing slash at Catholicism. When a group of young deacons enter a stone mansion for a ritual that will test their mettle as priests-to-be, a creepy young girl turns things upside down and inside out, bringing out their most secret demons in the process. The pervading (and scary) concept behind the dark plot: evil burrows down deep early on, corrupting the church’s future leaders so it can eventually have its claws on the people.

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