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Apr 21, 2015
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Superhero freaks, Marvel maniacs, and Scar Jo fanboys can get their geek-boners on because The Avengers: Age of Ultron, the sequel to the box office smash hit that was The Avengers, is finally here!

The trailer for director Joss Whedon’s oeuvre does not disappoint and has been stirring some hype on the Interwebz since it was first released three months ago. Based on the visual teasers (the much talked about Hulkbuster being a favorite), the flick looks nothing short of an electrically charged, action packed CGI-fest that sees everyone’s favorite gang of alpha-crusaders kicking ass and (hopefully) saving the planet from a destructive form of artificial intelligence named Ultron.

Everyone is expecting the thrill-ride to be filled–from opening to end credits–with eye-smashing graphics, violent explosions, and pulse-pounding fight sequences. But calm your tits, Avengers aficionados! The assault on your senses should not take away from the wicked chemistry the cast has to offer.

There was a time when these characters did not have the aid of special effects, modernized costumes, and exemplary filmmaking to up their coolness factor. And in celebration of Age of Ultron's release, we take a much needed #throwback look at our favorite Avengers sans the smoke and mirrors.

Captain America circa 1990

That the trailer contains a cheesy voiceover should clue you in on the awfulness of this pro-USA, Yugoslavian co-produced movie. It starred American actor Matt Salinger as The Cap, whose only claim to fame aside from this hot mess is being author J.D. Salinger’s son. That Red Skull looks like he got a melted pizza hurled at his face shows how its direct-to-video awesomeness is the stuff of B-movie flair. Not even Steve Rogers’ shield could protect this train-wreck from self-implosion.

Video via Chas Blankenship

And even way before that, a made-for-TV movie appeared in 1979, featuring Cap on a motorcyle! Check it out here:

Video via OcpCommunications

Lou Ferrigno as The Hulk

Compared to fitness trainer slash actor slash all around badass Lou Ferrigno, Mark Ruffalo looks like a pansy mama’s boy. The original Bruce Banner didn’t need digital enhancing to get him all green, mad, and swole as fuck. Mr. Universe relied on sheer muscle mass and angry-face that scared away humans and animals alike.

For your consuming pleasure, here’s a video of The Hulk battling a bear that’s so on point. You’re welcome.


Video via jesudomine

The animated Iron Man

The fact that this cartoon version did not involve the participation of Robert Downey Jr. is simultaneously disappointing and refreshing. Even without RDJ in the picture, however, the metal-suited multimillionaire maintains his playboy panache, quick wit, and overall douche vibe.

Check out the first episode below, where the opening sequence features Tony Stark flirting with his physical therapist, half-naked and in a hot tub. Douche.

Video via Iron Man The Animated Series Full Episodes

This wasn't the first Iron Man toon, though! In 1966, this vintage Iron Man toon was the first to visualize our favorite tin-can hero past comic books. Check out its quirky opening theme song: 

Video via FistThingsFirst

When Thor wasn’t a sex symbol…yet

Or was he?

Could Thor secretly be a beacon for gay pride, seeing that a fabulous rainbow is the image used to open the classic cartoon’s main title theme complete with choir-like chanting reminiscent of something from Broadway. His weapon of choice is a very phallic hammer named Mjolnir (so gay!). And he does seem to take care of his hair a tad bit more than the average heterosexual male. Homoeroticism aside, take into account Sexiest Man Alive Chris Hemsworth was chosen to play him in the movie.

Yep, Thor’s sexuality is definitely questionable.  

Video via Fabricio Jimenez

Hawkeye and Black Widow pull a tag team

The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes! (yes, there really is an exclamation point in the title) was an animated series conceived for online and TV viewing on the Disney Channel in 2010, even before the first film was released. In one episode, Hulk has one of his bitch fits and Black Widow and Hawkeye double-team the massive hunk of green flesh (in a non-sexual way, of course).

Take a look at Hawkeye’s fuchsia-colored costume–it wasn’t even fab enough to save his face from Hulk’s sweaty grip. Imagine seeing Jeremy Renner in that–no one would take the movies seriously. Russian stunner Black Widow, on the other hand, is just as sexy as a cartoon as she is in the films. Go figure.

Video via Marvel Entertainment

We hope these nostalgic clips can tide you over until the theaters open tomorrow, Marvel geeks! See you at the movies!