Remember: Movies aren't all that great in dispensing life-saving advice.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson stars in San Andreas, the latest disaster flick to rip apart the fine city of Los Angeles, California. The film opened last week and in it, everyone’s favorite wrestler-turned-leading-man plays a helicopter pilot who must save his ex-wife and daughter after a catastrophic earthquake devastates LA.
We all know that The Rock is heroic, but natural disasters are scary and tragic, and sometimes movies about them are even more frightening. Not all of us can save the day and it’s best to be smart when faced with Mother Nature’s crippling calamities...
So here’s a list of things YOU SHOULDN'T DO as seen in popular disaster movies.
Disaster don’t: Driving into a tornado of flying cows
The storm chasers in this ’90s classic were courageous enough to brave the tempestuous weather in the name of science. But if you aren’t professionally obliged to research on possibly fatal tornados, don’t have your vehicle barreling towards them…especially if there are huge mammals involved.
Video via gmtgmt123
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
Disaster don’t: Helping a lady find her purse
If a huge tsunami threatens to engulf your city, drowning every individual in sight, get your ass to the nearest sanctuary as quickly as possible. Yes, you can save another person’s life from impending doom, just don’t allow that helpless victim manipulate you into risking yourself for her stupid handbag! The apocalypse is upon mankind—she won’t need her wallet, identification, and credit cards anymore. Proceed to 4:05 of the video below to witness the satchel-induced stupidity.
Disaster don’t: Jump into a lake of acid
So an active volcano has turned the local lake into a pool of skin-searing acid, what should you do? The answer: not dive into it to push a boat that’s already nearing shore.
Don’t you wish you had a grandma as badass as this one? Not only can she bake you cookies on the weekend, but she’ll melt her legs off for you too!
Disaster don’t: Go on a romantic scooter ride with you girlfriend
In defense of Elijah Wood’s character, he was trying to get away from a tsunami brought about by a crashing comet. Actually, it’s a great idea to careen through tight highways while the population is in a state of panic. Should a tidal wave strike, however, make sure to get yourselves onto higher ground.
Disaster don’t: Barrel out of a moving plane in a Bentley
Even when our immoral abuse of our planet has come back to bite us in the ass in the form of global destruction, that doesn’t give anyone the excuse to drive like a mofo out of a speeding aircraft. Just to further illustrate why this movie based on the Mayan doomsday isn’t to be believed—it’s 2015!
WORLD WAR Z
Disaster don’t: Build a barricade out of carry-on luggage
Should you ever find yourself stuck on an airplane during a zombie outbreak, it might be better to find a melee weapon to protect your face from getting mauled. And if the brain-hungry attackers are first class like these grotesque passengers, consider yourself stuck in a turbulent situation.
Disaster don’t: Start a mass robbery
In this disturbing thriller, a distressed mob creates a riot after an earthquake unleashes its wrath on Chile, forcing a group of tourists to do whatever it takes to make it out of their vacation alive. But when all hell breaks loose, not only do they need to watch the ground they walk on, but be wary of crazy looters and rioters robbing them of their lives. The lesson here is: In the instance of an emergency, keep calm and don’t go criminal.
In celebration of Stan Smith Day
Nick Oyzon is in the house!
Paging the local government