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Feb 11, 2013
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Every year, new TV shows and recurring programs boast what they can offer to viewers, like hundreds of politicians campaigning for support. Some are good, some are a total waste of couch time. Here we urge you to please, please, please have mercy on your cable providers (and Internet bandwidth and torrent clients) and be a responsible viewer with our TV guide for 2013!

(For more of FHM's Fearless Forecasts, click here and here)


1) Winter: still coming, still waiting for it



Devotees too lazy (or busy) to read those encyclopedia-thick Game of Thrones books have the show's third season to look forward to. Airing in April, the show’s tragedies will be worse than the end of the world because the backstabbing, the greed, the evil plans and the death of your favorite characters, and the emotions those things reap in our hearts are still far more real.

Those who post spoilers will still be condemned and stoned to death and have their heads up on stakes in social media sites.


2) Television will experience its worst and most dramatic “crash”


Breaking Bad’s final eight episodes will start on July, and that means the nearing end of one of TV’s most brilliant shows. As early as now, its fans’ mixed reactions of excitement and impending separation anxiety are welling up, as if they're experiencing a dreadful crash from a euphoric hit of some drug. Will the Scientist-turned-kingpin prevail, or will his fate crumble faster than the cracks of his legendary blue meth? Abangan!


3) Zombies: still alive and kicking

The Walking Dead returns this month, encouraging fans to prepare themselves for another serving of blood, severed body parts, and a swarm of zombies biting off the flesh of the characters you’re rooting for.  Exploding zombie heads, spewing guts, and a brewing man-against-man faction wars in this much-awaited return of the third season will continue to give viewers an adrenaline rush.

Will we ever tire of zombies? As long as The Walking Dead is running the show, chances are, not anytime soon.


4) “Outsider” girls will start to gain more attention, viewers, and... insecurities

Lena Dunham and the rest of the cast of HBO’s Girls are gaining much street cred for “being real girls” not afraid to show their flaws. The show addresses the “difficult” emotional stress faced by young women struggling with work, weight, and dating the wrong kind of men—all with so much masturbation, hipster gatherings, and a chock-full of witty remarks. It’s like the Sex and the City of smart women who actually think realistically, without the wrinkles, Botox, expensive designer clothes, stupidity, and chalk make-up.


5) Warning: The promotion of superficiality among young women will continue

There are five types of women in the TV world: the powerful intellectual, the psychopath, the annoying romantic, the Lena Dunham Girls kind, and the superficial Sex and the City kind. In reality, men find the Sex and the City type the worst. Unfortunately, there will be a resurrection of this species because of The Carrie Diaries, a show featuring the high school life of Sex and the City's main character Carrie Bradshaw.  Avert your eyes at all costs if you don’t want to bask in the shallow problems of a teen hoping to write about her copulating adventures in New York one day.

NEXT: The next chapter on Terrorist TV, and a TV-sized prequel to Psycho


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WORDS: CAMILLE BANZON
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